The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack desperately wanted to serve in uniform but when he tried to enlist during the Vietnam war, he was judged to be too psychotic for the military. He was briefly a member of a private militia funded by a high-ranking member of The John Birch Society, but he was drummed out for fragging his commanding officer after he mocked the size of Hack’s tiny genitalia.
When Hack’s friend Snow Mercy took a job administering Covid-19 tests during the pandemic, he wrote this book after he couldn’t find anything good to watch on Netflix.
Hack became so obsessively jealous of his cover artist Jonny M.’s ability to effortlessly attract women that he called it “nothing but a goddamned cult.” He wrote this book to mock Jonny but it became such gospel to the countless women who desired him that they mimicked the Jonny branding ceremony on the cover by getting Jonny tattoos. Hack nearly lost his mind when he heard about it.
Hack had an increasing number of Zoom meetings as the Coronavirus quarantine escalated, while he also decreased his practice of wearing pants. This came to an unpleasant head when he spilled coffee in his lap during a meeting, giving the participants a closeup view of his badly burned micropenis. This novel is a highly romanticized depiction of that event.
When he heard that his cover artist Jonny M. had two “love children” named Jonikwa and Jon Jr. whose mother was constantly hounding him for her monthly child support checks, Hack was so delighted that he sat down and wrote this book to publicly embarrass Jonny. As it always happens when Hack plots to ruin someone, the plot backfired horribly because the book was a bestseller and Jonny successfully sued him for libel so that he was able to set up trust funds for the kids and never had to write a check again.
Hack intended this as a stern morality tale about the brothel he worked in as a child but he made the sex sound so awesome that any moral statement was completely lost on the reader.
When Hack’s friend, world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy (who is also an actual bona fide scientist) lectured him on the scientific realities of the Covid-19 virus, he was so impressed that he went home and crapped out this sci-fi novel. As with all of Hack’s book, he did no research whatsoever and the “science” is all made up BS, but at least it gave you something to do while you were social distancing during the pandemic.
When Hack’s friend Harmony Sanchez celebrated a birthday, he wondered what was the best present to get her and the only thing he could think of was a monstrously huge Johnson. Since a> Ms. Sanchez finds Hack physically repulsive and b> his own member is famously tiny, he wrote this in tribute to her.
Since Hack describes his characters so generically, his cover artist Jonny M. uses the people he or Hack know as the basis for them. When the model for this book complained bitterly of being depicted as a cuckold, Jonny included him in this adaptation of the painting “Nighthawks” to placate him.
When Hack heard that everyone had to stay indoors because of the Covid-19 virus, he figured that meant that he could coerce beautiful young woman into shacking up in his bug-infested van. Instead, the few he was able to speak with carried six-foot poles to ensure that people were keeping their proper distance and if Hack tried to get any closer than that, they would crack him over the head with them.