Man Lessons
Category: Catnip to the Ladies
Simon Says
Hack wrote this after going to a bar with his friend Glenn Simon to meet women and Simon took off with one early in the evening. He wound up marrying the young lady while Hack spent the night washing glasses because he rang up a $400 bar tab and his credit card was declined.
Jonny’s Women
The all-true story of Hack’s cover artist Jonny M’s interactions with the fairer sex. This is one of Hack’s most accurate ventures into the field of historical fiction.
The cover art of its first edition printing met with universal mockery from the women who were depicted in it, so Hack insisted that a new cover be created for its 2024 reprint. It’s a far more accurate depiction of Jonny’s relationship with the ladies.
The Three-Way
Hack had to go into hiding after publishing this novel about a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction novelist who is so sexually potent that women have to take him on two at a time in order to survive the encounter. The main female protagonist was clearly based on his friend Rosanna De Candia who, when she saw the cover, vowed to “hunt Hack down like the dog he is.” Ms. De Candia finally forgave Hack after his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris (who was also depicted as a character) attacked Hack’s groin so savagely that he was hospitalized for three months.
The Cult of Jonny
Hack became so obsessively jealous of his cover artist Jonny M.’s ability to effortlessly attract women that he called it “nothing but a goddamned cult.” He wrote this book to mock Jonny but it became such gospel to the countless women who desired him that they mimicked the Jonny branding ceremony on the cover by getting Jonny tattoos. Hack nearly lost his mind when he heard about it.
His Love Child
When he heard that his cover artist Jonny M. had two “love children” named Jonikwa and Jon Jr. whose mother was constantly hounding him for her monthly child support checks, Hack was so delighted that he sat down and wrote this book to publicly embarrass Jonny. As it always happens when Hack plots to ruin someone, the plot backfired horribly because the book was a bestseller and Jonny successfully sued him for libel so that he was able to set up trust funds for the kids and never had to write a check again.
The Dude with the Giant Wang
When Hack’s friend Harmony Sanchez celebrated a birthday, he wondered what was the best present to get her and the only thing he could think of was a monstrously huge Johnson. Since a> Ms. Sanchez finds Hack physically repulsive and b> his own member is famously tiny, he wrote this in tribute to her.
The Sexiest Moron
Hack wrote this book after lunching with his cover artist Jonny M. and Jonny insisting that everyone in the restaurant (male and female) found him sexually irresistible after taking a single glance at him. Hack was furious when it turned out to be true.
International Women’s Day
Hack thought that if he wrote a book about International Women’s Day that he would get laid left and right. It’s about a guy who writes a book about International Women’s Day and gets laid left and right for it.
Life did not imitate art.
I Voted
Hack always flaunts his “I Voted” sticker on Election Day because he’s convinced that it will make him irresistible to free-thinking communist hippie chicks and politically conservative repressed housewives. The truth is that he only shows up at the polling place and swipes a sticker when no one’s looking because he thinks if he actually votes, the government will use his information to kidnap him and transplant his brain with an alien that crash landed at Area 51.