Boris Taking Charge

When his cover artist Jonny M.’s beloved pug Winston died and Jonny got another pug named Boris, Hack was delighted because he secretly hated Winston. To get Boris on his side from the start, Hack wrote this patronizing saga depicting the young pug as a super power who always fought for the side of right. The book turned out to be prescient because Boris saw through Hack’s bullshit immediately. Hack, in turn, grew to hate Boris even more than he hated Winston.

Junior Ranger and the Gorillas of Griffith Park

After the failure of “Junior Ranger and the Heart of Darkness,” the popularity of the Junior Ranger books seemed to be waning. In a bold move, publisher John Kane made a deal with cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston to appear as a character in an attempt to give the series a shot in the arm.Hack was bitter about the move because he hated Winston but his contract with Kane gave him no choice, so he wrote the book as ordered. It restored the Junior Ranger books’s readership as hoped, but Hack was livid when he learned that Winston’s contract mandated that the pug make far more money from the publication than Hack did.


Hack was still trying to suck up to the disciples of his cover artist Jonny M.’s late pug Winston with this volume, which had Winston coming back from doggie heaven to make his master sexually irresistible to the ladies. The Winstonites, who castrated themselves to be more like their neutered leader, were unimpressed but Jonny M. himself thought it ranked among Hack’s best books.

Angel Out of Hell

When his cover artist Jonny M.’s beloved pug Boris died (although many conspiracy theorists maintain that he staged his death and is now living in the Cayman Islands), Hack was originally overjoyed because he hated Winston and Winston hated him. But when he realized that Winston had a giant following of disciples who lived by his loving and gentle philosophy, Hack quickly cranked out this book in tribute to the pug in the hopes of making himself look good. In every interview since, wherever Winston’s name come up Hack sheds some crocodile tears by plucking a hair out of his nose and says that the pug who he called a menace to society when he was alive as “the best friend I ever had.”

Veterinary Clinic

His cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston had developed a worldwide following as an ascetic, so Hack was delighted when Winston was hospitalized with a growth on his penis which his veterinarian initially thought was from a sexually transmitted disease. “Now all those mindless simps will see what a phony he is,” Hack rejoiced. The ultimate diagnosis was something non-sexually related, which didn’t stop him from writing this libelous melodrama about a Winston-like pug contracting syphilis and seeing his legions of followers forsake him before he goes insane from the disease. The book caused outrage among Winstonites and when the gentle pug passed away a few months later, the group pulled the sleeping Hack out of his van, tarred and feathered him and ran him out of town on a rail.


When his celebrity crush Frances Fisher appeared in a play called “Barbeque” in Los Angeles, Hack stole the title for a erotic trifle about a Frances Fisher-like actress who tempts all the males in the neighborhood with her luscious sweet meats. It eventually becomes known in the story that she’s pretty good at barbequing too.

The Pug Peed on the Corpse

When Hack finally recarpeted the van that he sleeps in after forty years, the first thing his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston did was urinate on a small section of it. Hack was furious at first until he realized that after four decades of sleeping on soiled carpeting, he couldn’t sleep on anything else. So he invited Winston back the next day to pee on the rest of it.

Crime of Passion

Hack hated his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston so much that he paid a beautiful woman to pretend to fall in love with Jonny and say that she’d only have sex with him if he killed the pug. The plan backfired when she actually did fall in love with Jonny and while they were having sex for the first time, Winston jumped in Hack’s lap and took a large dump.