The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack tried to sue the makers of the smash hit musical “Mamma Mia” for plagiarizing this 1966 novella but the judge who heard the case said that the ABBA musical was “a delight for the eyes, ears and soul” whereas Hack’s work “made me want to get into a shower and never come out again.” He not only found against Hack but ordered him to pay all legal fees, which forced him into yet another bankruptcy.
Hack makes a point of dropping by whenever his cover artist Jonny M. is creating new cover art so that he can hit on the models, always with humiliatingly unsuccessful results. He wrote this story where a model is thrown out of her home and seeks refuge in the arms of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer which Hack swears is based on a true story but when he is pressed for the name of the model, he always pretends to have an epileptic seizure.
While people were “social distancing” during the Covid-19 pandemic, Hack found himself taking a lot of videoconference meetings for which he only bothered to dress above the waist. So he took the titular character from his earlier success “The Dude with the Giant Wang” and put him in the same situation. It sold like hotcakes.
With Covid-19 in full swing, Hack decided to bring the Junior Ranger saga back to life to have Ranger Joe do battle with the virus. It had Hack’s usual scientific research and attention to detail.
When Hack’s friend, world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy (who is also an actual bona fide scientist) lectured him on the scientific realities of the Covid-19 virus, he was so impressed that he went home and crapped out this sci-fi novel. As with all of Hack’s book, he did no research whatsoever and the “science” is all made up BS, but at least it gave you something to do while you were social distancing during the pandemic.
When Hack’s friend Harmony Sanchez celebrated a birthday, he wondered what was the best present to get her and the only thing he could think of was a monstrously huge Johnson. Since a> Ms. Sanchez finds Hack physically repulsive and b> his own member is famously tiny, he wrote this in tribute to her.
Since Hack describes his characters so generically, his cover artist Jonny M. uses the people he or Hack know as the basis for them. When the model for this book complained bitterly of being depicted as a cuckold, Jonny included him in this adaptation of the painting “Nighthawks” to placate him.
Hack wrote the first “Grumpy Old Bastard” earnestly about his efforts to teach the teenagers in his neighborhood some manners, and only claimed he meant it to be funny when everyone told him it was when it was when they read it in in proofs. For this sequel, he tried to make it funny and the thing fell right on its face.
When Hack heard that everyone had to stay indoors because of the Covid-19 virus, he figured that meant that he could coerce beautiful young woman into shacking up in his bug-infested van. Instead, the few he was able to speak with carried six-foot poles to ensure that people were keeping their proper distance and if Hack tried to get any closer than that, they would crack him over the head with them.
Hack had intended this to be the story of how he had heroically fought down some young thugs in his neighborhood but when everyone read the proofs, they congratulated him on writing a hilarious book about a mean-spirited old bastard who was constantly harassing innocent teens. He quietly changed the title from “The Hero of the Neighborhood” to “The Grumpy Old Bastard” and pretended that was what he had meant all along.