Hack’s third book about the tenth century queen, this one written while he was having an acid flashback. Whatever your expectations are about this thing, it’s way weirder than that.
The Dragons of Eleanor of Aquitaine
The Secret Loves of Eleanor of Aquitaine
Hack’s obsession was still at it height after seeing Frances Fisher and Gregory Harrison perform James Goldman’s play. This book is nasty, even by Hack’s standards.
The Escape of Eleanor of Aquitaine
After Hack saw Frances Fisher and Gregory Harrison in this play, he became obsessed and wrote several novels on the subject. He doesn’t believe in doing any research on his books (which take him between two to four hours to write), so yeah.
The Insane Fan
After receiving countless restraining orders for stalking women throughout his life, Hack had the tables turned on him when “a super hot nutjob” who was obsessed with him and his books came into his life. “The sex was great,” he admitted, “but when she set fire to my van while I was sleeping in it, I had to put an end to it. When I issued a restraining order against her, the guys at Superior Court (who I all knew by their first names because of the restraining order issued against me) thought it was the funniest thing in the world that the tables had turned.”
The Electric Woman from Outer Space
Since Hack lives in a van parked in the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he works as a night janitor, he is forced to shower at a local YMCA. One day to try and speed up his morning routine, he plugged his toaster into a nearby outlet and brought it into the shower so he could watch his Eggo waffles cook. When he regained consciousness, he wrote this story.
The First Deadly Sin
This was based on one of Hack’s many efforts to bring down his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris. He hired a gorgeous prostitute to promise to have sex with Jonny if he would betray Boris in an assassination attempt Hack had set up. Jonny refused to betray the pug but the prostitute had sex with him anyway, and Hack wound up shooting his own toe off when they conned him into believing that the scheme would go off as planned.
Tomb of Death
Hack took some side-work helping a friend build an outdoor barbeque and somehow accidentally bricked himself in. No one noticed until the first cookout when they heard Hack’s screams through the smoke and rising temperature. Anyway, Hack based this book on the experience.
His Girl Friday
“A secretary spends her entire work day receiving anal sex from her married boss. One wonders when they ever got any work done around there.”
– The Tolucan Times
Black Leather Hoodlums
A motorcycle gang comprised on men in their fifties ascend up a local girls high school and introduce the Valedictorian to the wonders of anal intercourse on her 18th birthday. But a gorgeous student teacher spanks the defiance out of her and when she receives an acceptance letter to Harvard on graduation day, she thanks her guardian angel with a torrid weekend of violent lesbian sex. Very loosely based on the teenage years of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
First-Time Hussy
When Hack formed yet another crush on a young woman who came into the Shakey’s where he works, he formulated an elaborate plan to win her affections by having some ne’er do wells associates of his pretend to kidnap her father so that he could rescue him, making her fall in love with with him. The scheme inevitably went wrong (as all of Hack’s schemes do) and the associates are serving a life sentence for the father’s murder while Hack once again was set free on a technicality. He wrote this book based on the experience and it’s not a bad read.