This book was the result of Hack getting hammered and watching a bunch of Dudley Doo-Right cartoons with his cover artist Jonny M and his pug Boris. There’s a very disturbing sex scene between Boris and a Canadian moose who describes himself as a “power bottom.”
Category: Beautiful Babes
The Pug was in the Driver’s Seat
Hack wrote this after he took his van to get gas with his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug as a passenger. While he was filling up, he attempted to hit on a gorgeous woman at the next pump but she was only interested in playing with Boris. Hack tried to make Boris walk home after that but the gorgeous woman gave him a lift and no one knows what happened after that.
A Bed of Rosies
This was the final “Jonny M. Adventure” in which Jonny’s love interest is Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia. It is really just a long list of the sexual fantasies Hack has had about Ms. De Candia over the years connected by a loose plot in which she and Jonny foil some foreign agents by beating the hell out of them. When the book came out, Ms. De Candia tracked Hack down and beat the hell out of him.
Maid for Murder
Hack wrote this while staying in a Motel-6 on a book-signing tour and becoming obsessed with one of the cleaning ladies, only to have her steal his van while he was trying to seduce her. Hack was philosophical about the rejection and still corresponds with the woman during her prison term.
The Kiss of Death
When someone walked in on Hack in the bathroom passionately kissing his own reflection in the mirror, he claimed that he was researching a new novel and that this half-hearted effort which came out a few weeks later was the result. The reality is that Hack has been seen making out with his own reflection countless times, as early as 1949, so no one really believed him.
Jersey Reads the Classics
When Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia announced that she was starting a podcast titled Jersey Reads the Classics, he wrote this novel to help promote it. He starts out promisingly, detailing the challenges Ms. De Dandia faced in the creating the project, but after about 25 pages it devolves into yet another account of the brutality he endured at the hands of his father and ending in a graphically described sex fantasy he had about a postal clerk he had purchased stamps from that afternoon.
Sex Nurse
Hack wrote this during a hospital stay when one of his testicles shattered after he was kicked in the crotch during a bar fight. He’s convinced that it’s a true story but he was so doped up that he doesn’t realize that he was just humping an inflatable love doll someone got him as a joke gift, and no one had the heart to tell him.
Considering that he had a shattered testicle at the time, it’s still a pretty impressive accomplishment.
Love Trumps Hate
One of the countless celebrities Hack is obsessed with is Twitter influencer Lisa Glass. He wrote this to try and impress her but its publication led instead to her filing a restraining order, as usual.
Be My Valentine
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M.’s success with women has caused Hack to despise him, but it has inspired some of Hack’s best work. Hack wrote this after Jonny told him of the dozens of women who expected him to be with them sexually on Valentine’s Day.
London After Dark
Hack wrote this Jonny M. adventure in a transparent attempt to rip off the success of the Twilight series. Jonny travels to London do do battle with a lot of super-hot vampires and winds up killing the queen vampire when he impales her with his tragically misshapen genitalia, which is somehow shaped like a cross.