Dating the Yenta was like dating a loaded .45 — aimed at your own head. You never knew when it would go off. You just knew it would be messy when it did. And the odds were better than 50-50 they’d be scrapping your brain and guts off something, even while her mouth was still running.
“It will be fun,” she said. These were the words she always said right before I would be sucker punched in the gut by someone whose life and conduct she couldn’t help critiquing. In this case, “It will be fun” was said while gazing at the door of a dive bar whose clientele had spent most of their food stamp money this week on MAGA apparel.
“I don’t think so,” I said.
But then I saw that grand canyon of a mouth start to open, and I knew I had no choice.
“Sure,” I continued. “Let’s check it out.”
My spleen and my teeth would be the least of my losses that day. So sit back, and hear the story of how I ended up on Death Row, while the Yammering Yenta became the widow of one Rudy Guiliani, and then the lover of one E. Jean Carroll. But I’m getting ahead of myself.
The opening line read “When the beauty sunbathing on the white sands opened her eyes and saw the leering man stepping toward her from a red convertible, her first thought was: ‘Maybe corona isn’t the worst virus after all.'”
Two space travelers crash land on a planet ruled by a gorgeous Jewess.
Yet another attempt to suck up to his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass. It was inspired by the one time that they met face-to-face when Hack happened to meet her on the sidewalk one day. As soon as she realized who he was, she ran like hell in the opposite direction.
When his publisher John Kane opened a subsidiary of his Palace Productions empire called Boys’ Adventures and dedicated to providing outdoorsy content for boys, Hack was asked to write a series of books for the endeavor. He was at a loss for inspiration because the only time he spent outside was when he left the Shakey’s where he worked as a janitor and crossed its parking lot to get into the van where he lived to pick up writing. But as luck would have it, his cover artist Jonny M.’s brother Joe was an accomplished outdoorsman and a member of the Junior Rangers, an outlet of the National Parks Service created to get children excited about the parks program and nature conservation. So Hack created a character based on Joe and which launched his most popular series of books. And because Hack wrote them, he snuck in countless scenes of graphic anal sex which parents were unaware of but which were the biggest selling point to the boys who read them.
Since Hack’s otherwise ironclad contract had a loophole for the Junior Ranger books, they were they only thing he wrote which he actually made money from. So even though he grew to loathe them and the Ranger Joe character, he returned to the franchise again and again and again. A legend was born.
When Hack wrote this thriller about a shrill-but-gorgeous Jewess based on his friend Donna who was sexually obsessed with a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction, Donna’s reaction was to scream something at him in Yiddish and hit him over the head with a frying pan.