Puppy Daddy

Hack wrote his in honor of our beloved friend Jesse Merlin opening in Jerry Springer: The Opera at the San Jose Playhouse next week. We tried to explain to him that paternity tests were Maury Povich’s shtick rather than Springer’s, to which Hack testily replied “When Merlin appears in an opera based on Povich, I’ll write another book that sets the record straight.”

The Pug of Casablanca

This supposedly “true” story of the Humphrey Bogart-Ingrid Bergman classic Casablanca was inspired by the time Hack desperately tried to hit on a drunken divorcée with three bratty kids when he was on a break from his job as the night janitor at the Van Nuys Shakey’s and thought it was a done deal until his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris sat down next to them and she was so charmed by Boris that she forgot Hack existed. The pug talked her into giving up drinking that night and being a better mother to her kids while Hack made another of his countless failed suicide attempts by sticking his head in the pizza oven but only singeing his left ear to a crisp.

The Pug Heart

Since today is the eighth anniversary of his cover artist’s Jonny M.’s heart attack, Hack wrote this novel set in 2015 in which Jonny goes into cardiac arrest while receiving a 45 minute standing ovation after his performance of Shakespeare’s Richard III. His pug Winston offers his own heart for a transplant but only during surgery does anyone realize that a pug’s heart is much too big to fit into a human being, so the heart skips out of the hospital to commit carnage on the city.

The smoking-hot heart surgeon puts Jonny on an artificial heart and temporarily stitches up Winston with a cat’s ticker so that the two of them (followed by Winston’s abusive gay lover Bruce) can keep the pug’s massive vascular organ from destroying the city, leaving Jonny in the care of his girlfriend, Shameless star Emmy Rossum, who keeps his spirits up with promises of anal sex when he regains consciousness.

The main problem is that Winston becomes a self-centered bastard now that he has a cat’s heart, making the need to recover his own ticker all the more urgent. It ends well with the surgeon re-implanting Winston’s heart at the top of the Empire State Building when the organ scaled the skyscraper in a failed attempt at getting blood stains all over the city, and then returning to the hospital to plug the cat heart into Jonny. The surgery is a success and the cat heart makes Jonny an even sexier bad boy than he was before and the final chapter depicts Emmy and the hot surgeon receiving anal sex from Jonny while Bruce fucks Winston repeatedly in the face.

Jonny later said that the book told his story exactly as he remembers it.

The real-life Winston and Bruce.