Category: Beautiful Babes

Honeymoon Hit Man

This novel was inspired by Hack’s honeymoon for his disastrous first marriage in 1958. Hack took his new bride to Niagara Falls but they were followed by a small-time hood that Hack owed money to who was furious that Hack spent his last few dollars on his honeymoon instead of paying him back. The hood attempted to shoot Hack but he hit his new bride instead before being gunned down by local law enforcement. The girl went into a coma and Hack had the marriage annulled before putting her in a bargain-basement hospital where she remains in a comatose state to this day. The book sold well and served loosely as the basis for the 1966 Tony Curtis comedy “Not with my Wife, You Don’t.”

The Pug with a Past

Hack has always been suspicious of his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris and has spent thousands of dollars on private investigators to find out about the little dog’s history. The P.I.’s took his money but (as you’d expect with a dog) discovered nothing, so he tried to recover his losses with this book which invented a fanciful and scandalous past for the pug. Not for the last time, Boris sued Hack for libel and received a hefty settlement.

Trio of Lust

Hack based this novel on an experience his cover artist Jonny M. And his pug Boris had when they stopped at Barstow for gas during a road trip and were seduced by a trio of sex-starved beauties. As soon as he completed the book, Hack made another of his many failed suicide attempts by sticking his head in the pizza oven of the Shakey’s restaurant where he works as a janitor. Since it was an electric oven, he realized after about three hours that it wouldn’t put him out of his misery and he went back to cleaning toilets.

New Year’s Day

Hack awoke on the first morning of 1976 to find the woman he had met at a New Year’s Eve Part the night before and spent the night with wasn’t in his room. When she had woken and realized who she had slept with, she got on the ledge and intended to jump. Hack spent the next three hours trying to convince her that life was still worth living but she wouldn’t come in until he got his fourth wife on the phone to tell her that sleeping with Hack wasn’t the rock-bottom it seemed like. She finally came off the ledge but she became a cloistered nun immediately afterwards. Hack wrote about it in this novel, although most of it is about the drunken anal sex they had after the party.

Chanukah of Desire

Despite being an avowed atheist, Hack briefly attempted to convert to Judaism in a desperate and pathetic attempt to get into the pants of a beautiful Jewess who occasionally ate at the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he worked. It ended disastrously when he tried to circumcise himself, although she did visit him in the hospital with her husband and five children.

Intensive Care Unit

When Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. suffered a heart attack, his super hot friend Harmony Sanchez visited him in the hospital and screwed his brains out to lift his morale. Hack had been unsuccessfully trying to get in Harmony’s pants for years, so when he found out about it he wrote this bitter novel in which Harmony’s scheme was to kill Jonny off. In truth, her visit to the I.C.U. resulted in Jonny having a second heart attack which infuriated Hack even more when Jonny told him that it was totally worth it.

Jonny Pops

When his cover artist Jonny M. Told Hack that one of his countless lovers insisted on using a confection called Jonny Pops in their lovemaking, Hack wrote this book in one of many attempts to undermine Jonny’s reputation. The scheme backfired as usual, and Jonny received hundreds of letters from across the country from women wanting to try the erotic act with him.

Jonny’s Birthday

Hack wrote this book during an alcoholic binge. It’s an incomprehensible mess of indecipherable ranting. But his publisher John Kane needed a new Hack Werker manuscript to fulfill a legal obligation so he had cover artist Jonny M. Work out this cover based on his recent birthday celebration and slapped this title on it. Miraculously, it was embraced by intelligentsia and started showing up on university English classes reading lists. When Hack accepted an honorary doctorate from Stanford, he admitted that he no memory of even writing the thing.