Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
Category: Damsels in Distress
A Virgin No Longer
Hack has written so many books about virgins being coerced into having their cherries popped by low-lifes who were very into anal sex that it’s pretty hard to tell one apart from another. But this is one of the better ones because of its subplot about space aliens trying to blow up Earth, if you don’t mind getting through all the anal sex stuff to read it.
Junior Ranger and the Moment of Truth
When Hack was given a lift to a party by his cover artist Jonny M., it was only as he got into the car that he realized that it was a birthday party for Jonny’s brother Joe, the basis for the “Junior Ranger” series. So Hack wrote this book on the drive over and gave it to Joe as a present.
Pilot Season
Hack’s favorite actor is “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart and when he heard two actors having a discussion about “Pilot Season” (the period when the networks cast and shoot the test episodes for series that they’re thinking of producing) while lunching at the Shakey’s where he works, he excitedly wrote this lurid mystery. He sent it to Stewart’s manager and to his delight, the star was was interested in developing it into a film for him to star in, but Stewart ultimately dropped out and the project went into turnaround. The book finally reached the screen (in a heavily altered version) as the Kristen Bell rom-com “When in Rome.”
Death at the Door
One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.
Saved By Two Idiots
When his cover artist Jonny M. and his pug Boris saved a beautiful woman from being hit by a car, Hack was furious that she rewarded the pair (Boris with a case of Milk Bone dog biscuits, Jonny with a weekend of intense sex) instead of recognizing them as the idiots he knows them to be. Hack wrote this novel to educate the world about the truth as he sees it regarding the two.
Reefer Mob
A female undercover cop undercover cop poses as a reefer addict to infiltrate a reefer mob but becomes addicted to reefer in the process.
Titanic II: Ruth’s Story
This was one of Hack’s many attempts to impress “Titanic” star Frances Fisher. As soon as it hit the shelves, his publisher John Kane was inundated with cease-and-desist orders and had to pull all copies from circulation. Undaunted, Hack got Ms. Fisher’s address from a “map of the star’s homes” and had a copy delivered to her. Regrettably, the map was woefully inaccurate and it wound up at the house of a plumber is Los Feliz, but he reported enjoyed the book thoroughly.
Yenta on the Run
Yet another attempt to suck up to his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass. It was inspired by the one time that they met face-to-face when Hack happened to meet her on the sidewalk one day. As soon as she realized who he was, she ran like hell in the opposite direction.
Reefer Slave
This was written in the brief period that Hack thought if he dealt reefer, women would be willing to sleep with him if they couldn’t come up with money. He failed when A> he wound up smoking most of the reefer himself and B> his clients quickly found out that he was a wuss and if they so much as looked at him sternly, he’d give them everything he had for free.