Hack was a huge fan of “Get Smart” and, as always, became sexually obsessed with its costar Barbara Feldon. This novelization has Agent 99 going undercover as a prostitute who specializes in anal sex in order to infiltrate KAOS and get a binder of top secret information. Most copies were recalled after a lawsuit from NBC but the few that are available on eBay prove that the book is really as bad as it sounds.
Category: Dangerous Dames
Hell Raisers
A gorgeous female biker and her boyfriend terrorize a neighborhood market until a tough cop tells them to move along, so they do. The actual story is only 15 pages so Hack uses the rest to timeline the countless occasions when his abusive father would batter him.
Train of Death
Two dashing soldiers of fortune and a sexy femme fatale try to keep the train that carries Donald J. Trump to his inauguration from reaching its destination. They ultimately fail to achieve their goal but they have a lot of weird sex while they’re giving it a shot.
Larceny at the Louvre
Two world-class art thieves attempt to steal the most famous painting in the world from the Louvre Museum in Paris but spend most of their time having anal sex. The Louvre would later use this novel as part of their training for new security guards.
Angel of Death
This was the last in Hack’s series of book about the brutal murder of his cover artist Jonny M. after a public outcry that he knock it the fuck off. He hasn’t published a book on that theme since but he continues to write them for therapeutic reasons.
A Death Worse Than Fate
When Nancy Kulp of The Beverly Hillybillies ran as a Democrat for Pennsylvania’s Ninth Congressional District in 1984, she asked costar Buddy Ebsen to support her. But Ebsen, an ultra-conservative Republican, deemed Kulp “too liberal” and went so far as to record a radio commercial for her Republican opponent. The ploy cost Kulp the election and she didn’t speak to Ebsen for several years, although she ultimately made peace with him. Hack, however, considered it a dick move for one friend to pull on another and he never forgave Ebsen, writing this novel to smear his once-beloved reputation.
Victimless Crime
Hack tried to combine two of his favorite fantasies: his cover artist Jonny M. being murdered and playing with his friend Harmony Sanchez’ enormous pair of boobs. When Sanchez (who is also a good friend of Jonny) read the book, she was so angry that she beat Hack’s ass with a belt, so at least he got to live out a third fantasy.
Murder By Jury
Hack enjoyed his series on the murder of his cover artist Jonny M. so much that he continued it despite receiving death threats from Jonny’s legions of admirers. This one’s an Agatha Christie rip-off where Jonny is killed at a party and the guests have to act as detective to figure out who did it. We’d tell you who the murderer is except that Hack (as usual) lost focus so the last twenty-five pages are an angry rant against his abusive father so he never reveals who the murderer is.
The Perfect Crime
Hack has made no secret about openly despising his cover artist Jonny M., largely because he’s consumed with jealousy over Jonny’s easy way with women. When he heard that Jonny almost always had sex with his female models after completing a cover, Hack wrote this angry novel in which the models band together to murder Jonny. It backfired on Hack because the book tanked and the models were all so angry at how they were depicted in it that they sought solace in Jonny’s bed.
Stalag 45
A hero for the resistance, his devoted pug and a gorgeous blonde are taken captive by the fascists of the Trump administration and forced to commit bizarre sexual acts on each other. This was written during Trump’s first year in office and as bizarre as it is, the reality turned out to be much stranger.