The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack’s friend Glenn T. Simon used to regale Hack with stories about his daring days as a semi-professional hockey player which Hack immortalized in this novel. After it was published, it came out that Simon was really nothing more than a waterboy who had to retire when players on his own team gave him a “wedgie” that pulverized both his testicles.
A demented serial killer shows up at a Memorial Day barbeque and proceeds to murder everyone in attendance. Hack wrote this after going to a similar function at the home of his publisher John Kane and violently attacking his host after being told that they only had turkey burgers.
Hack attended a concert by a fiddle player named James Cleveland and became so hypnotized by the music that he showed up at Cleveland’s house that night for instructions on who Cleveland wanted him to kill. Hack wrote the outline for this book while he was waiting to be bailed out for that.
Nobody really gets Hack’s obsession with virgins but as long as there’s a court order that keeps him 500 yards away from all schools and malt shops, I guess that there’s no harm in it.
Hack based the title character – a mean, semi-illiterate, violently abusive old man who everyone despised – on his own father Vlad, and took obvious delight in constructing scene after scene where the various character try to kill him. The old man finally meets his doom by being beaten to death by a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer in circumstances that eerily mirror Vlad’s actual murder (which has never been solved but which many Hack Werker biographer attribute to Hack himself). Whenever he is asked about this book, Hack merely responds with an enigmatic smile and says “the old bastard got what was coming to him.”
When he heard that horror movie star Graham Skipper was hosting a “horror speakeasy,” Hack got so excited that he sat down and wrote this scary book about what he imagined would take place complete with chills, thrills and a murder mystery that a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer solves and is rewarded with an anal sex session with the sexiest female guest. What actually would up happening was that Hack got drunk beforehand, showed up at the wrong address and was brutally beaten by some drug dealers whose score he had walked in on.
This was intended to be a fiercely critical demonization of President Trump’s racist policies and behavior and was fiercely opposed by Hack’s publisher John Kane, who feared it would alienate him from his core readership in the Bible Belt where Trump maintains enormous popularity. It turned out to be much ado about nothing because the intolerant conduct Hack vilified was interpreted as heroic by the morons who read his books and it sold out at Klan meetings and MAGA rallies.
Hack briefly considered a career as a boxer but only lasted one fight in which he was knocked out in the first round. He hallucinated the story of this novel while he was having brain surgery.
Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
Hack has written so many books about virgins being coerced into having their cherries popped by low-lifes who were very into anal sex that it’s pretty hard to tell one apart from another. But this is one of the better ones because of its subplot about space aliens trying to blow up Earth, if you don’t mind getting through all the anal sex stuff to read it.