The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
When he first heard about the Me Too movement, Hack was horrified because he had a long history of masturbating in front of women for years. So he wrote this book in support of the crusade in the hopes that its leaders wouldn’t put him to death when they took over. His fear turned out to be for naught because his genitalia is so tiny that none of the women realized that he was playing with himself in their presence.
When his celebrity crush Frances Fisher appeared in a play called “Barbeque” in Los Angeles, Hack stole the title for a erotic trifle about a Frances Fisher-like actress who tempts all the males in the neighborhood with her luscious sweet meats. It eventually becomes known in the story that she’s pretty good at barbequing too.
When it appeared more and more like Actors’ Equity was working against the will of its members trying to destroy small theatre in Los Angeles, Hack wrote this last book on the theme to drive the final nail into the coffin. When it became obvious that AEA leadership was going to do what it wanted no matter what happened, Hack threw up his hands in frustration and went back to writing about anal sex.
Immediately after completing his run as Shakespeare’s Richard III, his cover artist Jonny M. appeared in a new play written by his friend Steve B. Green called “Timeshare.” Once again, Hack was so impressed that he decided to write a sequel in novel form but instead of doing it with a classic in public domain like “Richard III,” he did it with Green’s original play without obtaining the rights. When Jonny saw the manuscript, he had a heart attack and was rushed to the hospital where he was contractually obligated to make the cover art for the book. Fortunately, it all ended well as Green loved what Hack did with his characters and the two collaborated on an opera based on Green’s play “Three Really Offensive Scenes about the Founding Fathers.”
When he saw his cover artist Jonny M. give his definitive performance as Shakespeare’s Richard III, Hack was so impressed that he wrote this sequel where the hunchback king comes back to life and blows away all of his surviving enemies. Hack’s version remained surprisingly true to Shakespeare’s original except that while he was waiting in the afterlife, Richard seemed to have developed an insatiable desire for anal sex.
When Hack was criticized for siding with the Pro-99 movement, he tried to be fair and wrote this novel championing the opposing point of view. Even Hack realized that it was a ridiculous argument and publicly disowned the book ever since.
Hack was still sucking up to the 99-seat theater crowd when he wrote this thriller about a vigilante who dresses up as a cat and fights for their movement. This was during a period when Hack’s reefer addiction was at its most intense.
Hack continued on his quest to ty and make himself attractive to free-love addicted actresses with this new book in support of the 99-seat theater movement. Hack got his causes mixed up and wrote a thriller about a rebellious freedom fighter being chased by sadistic kill squads of an oppressive police state and when it was pointed out to him, just just did a search/replace for “rebel” with “actor” and sent it to print. Somehow, it still worked.
Hack’s first book for the Pro99 campaign was such a success that he decided to include more actresses that he was infatuated with on the cover in an attempt to win their favor. For this book, he set his sites on famed Twitter pundit Lisa Glass (who he had already depicted on the cover of an earlier novel “Too Fat to Carry”). As was always the case when Hack used his literary output to hit on women out of his league, Ms. Glass found Hack to be a retched and unsettling character and asked him to leave her “the hell alone.” As usual, Hack refused to take no for an answer and featured her on more book covers than almost any other model.
Hack discovered that Actor’s Equity Association, the union of professional stage actors, had it out to destroy small theater in Los Angeles from the performers at the tiny theater across the street from the Shakey’s where he worked. He pretended to care in the hopes of getting some poon tang from the actresses among them but when he found out that his biggest celebrity crush, “Titanic” and “Unforgiven” star Frances Fisher supported the small theaters, his passion became genuine. He wrote several books on the subject in the hopes of impressing Ms. Fisher but as was the case with his quest for poon tang, he was a miserable failure.