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This story of an suburban housewife and mother who satisfies her obsession with anal sex once a year by hiring a notorious gigolo turned out to be a phenomenal success with Hack’s core readership of sex-starved perverts in Bible Belt states. Regrettably, he was sued by ABC for ripping off The Brady Bunch (a show he had never heard of). Hack had to sell one of his kidneys to pay off his legal fees.
Much like Santa Claus, Hack not only firmly believes in the Easter Bunny but he’s been trying for decades to kill it. “Those two are opposite sides of the same goddamned coin,” Hack once said to no one in particular. “One gives presents to good boys and girls on Christmas. The other gives eggs to…well, I don’t know who is supposed to get the eggs but I know damned well that it never gave one to me. And no one loves eggs more than I do. So that dirty rodent is going to pay!”
Hack’s second wife enjoyed nothing more than playing sadistic tricks on him, and April Fool’s Day was her favorite day of the year. “Her goal was to make my life a living hell on April 1st,” he recounted, “so I paid her back by making her life a living hell the rest of the time. At least that’s what she said in the divorce papers. I don’t really remember because when that bucket of water crashed on my head, it gave me a concussion and I suffered some dain bramage. I haven’t remembered things so goodly ever since it refrigerator.”
This was one of Hack’s infrequent attempts at a conventional romantic love story. As usual, he lost interest halfway through so the last 100 pages are just an angry rant against his abusive father.
This was based on the time Hack visited hiss friends Lacie and Robin on Valentine’s Day. He somehow never realized that they were in a committed lesbian marriage and thought that they wanted him for a three-way. This is that humiliating story.
This was based on a strange story his cover artist Jonny M. told Hack about a beautiful woman who couldn’t decide between Jonny and his pug Boris. She ultimately picked Boris but Boris rejected her because after all, he’s a freaking dog.
A gorgeous woman starts her year off by having sex with the most disgusting pervert on the face of the earth. It all goes downhill from there.
Hack wrote this as a birthday present to his cover artist Jonny M., who Hack has long said he wished was dead. When Jonny’s pug Boris saw the cover, he bit Hack through the seat of his pants; chomping off a large section of his left butt cheek.
Hack indulged himself on this book by bringing his well-known hatred of Santa Claus into the narrative. When Saint Nick crash-lands in the park, Ranger Joe takes over for him and finds the job so easy that he is appalled at how overrated a figure Santa is. So when he finishes the task and returns to the park, Joe summons an angry gorilla who owes Joe a favor to tear Santa limb from limb and then feast on his flesh..
It did not become the holiday perennial that publisher John Kane hoped for.