Category: Horror

The Cat Lady of Death

Hack fell head over heels with a beautiful woman who came into the Shakey’s where he worked for lunch, and he talked her into going out for a date. When they went back to her place, he thought he was going to get laid but as soon as she opened the door, “at least thirty goddamned housecats attacked me and tried to claw my face and scrotum sack off.” Hack was able to fight off the frantic felines and stagger out into the street, where he collapsed in a pool of his own blood. He wrote this book while recovering from the wounds.

Death at the Door

One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.

Professor Morlock and the Zombie Slaves

This is one of several novelizations Hack wrote for the popular “Professor Morlock” horror movie series. It was based on the time Hack got pissed off at a bunch of people he hung around with so he developed a serum to turn them into zombies in his kitchen sink. He tried it on a couple of them while they slept and while it didn’t get the desired effect of turning them into zombies, it did wind up killing them so the problem was taken care of.

I Married a Zombie

When he heard that a young friend of his had proposed to the love of his friend’s life, Hack thought of the effect that his own six failed marriages had on him and wrote this sci-fi classic as a cautionary tale. For the record, his friend and his bride have now been happily married for about a year, surpassing the total of all of Hack’s marriages combined.

A Dangerous Time For Men

Hack normally detests everything about Donald Trump but when Trump said that it was “a dangerous time for men,” he was in rare agreement with 45 and wrote this novel in support of it. As with most times Hack times Hack takes a stand on anything, his logic was so convoluted that he would up making the opposite point and won the Bonnie Ritter Outstanding Feminist Book Award.

Marrying Mr. Darcy

When Hack heard that his celebrity crush Frances Fisher was starring in a film with this title, he got excited and immediately rushed out this novel with the same name about a sweet girl who unknowingly marries Satan and spends eternity ruling Hell. When Ms. Fisher’s film came out and it turned out to be a charming romantic comedy/drama having nothing to do with the Prince of Darkness, Hack tried to changw the title of his book to “The Devil’s Bride” not realizing that it had already been on sale for a month with the first title but no one cared because Hack’s version was really stupid no matter what it was called

Blaze of Death

Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. was the victim of arson when a person with severe emotional problems tried to burn his house down with him and his pug Boris inside it*. Hack was fascinated by the story and used it as the basis for this novel. Unlike in real life (where the arsonist served a long prison term), in Hack’s version the fire kills Jonny and Boris and the arsonist gets off scotch-free.

* No shit, that really happened.

Junior Ranger and the Isle of Heads

The unexpected popularity of the first Junior Ranger book prompted Hack to rush out this sequel, which he hastily adapted from a horror novel that he was in the process of writing. Since it was conceived for adult readers, the sequel had far more anal sex than the first book and as a result, quadrupled the sales. The formula for the series was now firmly established.