Transport of the Sex Slaves

Gorgeous prostitutes start vanishing from the city, interesting no one but the hero (who Hack had such little interest in as a character that he didn’t even give him a name) and his faithful dog. It turns out the prostitutes are being kept in a barge that will transport them to the private island of the evil warlord Vlad Werkowski (Hack’s father’s real name) where they will live out their lives as sex slaves. The prostitutes bide their time in the ship’s hull having lesbian sex until the tide turns so that they can begin their journey but just as it does, the hero and his dog creep onboard to beat the living daylights out of the crew and release the girls. The prostitutes thank him with a massive orgy.

It’s not as good as it sounds.

The Lustful Resistance

A pilot crashes his plan on a small island populated entirely by sex-starved gorgeous women during WWII and takes turns having sex with each of them until Nazis show up looking for him. The women then buy the pilot time to escape by having sex with the Nazis. That’s pretty much the whole story. The rest is just 178 pages of sex scenes. It sold well in the Bible Belt.

An Average Saturday

Hack decided to write an adventure novel based on the sexual exploits of his cover artist Jonny M. in an attempt to deal with his jealous rage over Jonny’ success with the fair sex while Hack glumly masturbated in his van. To Hack’s astonishment, the book was a runaway best seller that his publisher John Kane insisted he turn into a series and netted Jonny even greater popularity with the ladies. Hack’s only reward was that he was able to re-read the book while glumly masturbating in his van.

The Starlet

Hack begged his producer John Kane for years to let him appear in the cheap porn flicks shot in Kane’s Van Nuys garage, but the most Kane would ever do is let Hack work the clap board before takes and occasionally serve as a fluffer. He turned those experiences into this highly fanciful novel in which a Catholic schoolgirl starts at the bottom of the porn industry and cuts a ruthless path to becoming the biggest star in the business. The character of Bruno Rathburn, the fabulously successful porn star whose genitals are so huge that any actress who performs in a sex scene with him runs the risk of being cut in half, was clearly based on Hack himself. He later admitted in interviews that being a porn star was his dream life and he deeply resented Kane for not allowing him to live it.

Her Private Secretary

Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.

The Contiguous Man

Hack used to have brunch with a group of pathetic degenerates, one of whom fancied himself as having a remarkable way with words. One day while the yahoo was holding court, he used the word “contiguous” in conversation, which Hack admitted that he didn’t know the meaning of. When the dolt offered a condescending definition, Hack went home to look up the word and discovered to his delight that the idiot was completely wrong about what it meant. Hack was so thrilled about catching his nemesis in the mistake that he spent that night writing this murder mystery to immortalize it, a copy of which he slipped in the idiot’s coffin when he died of a brain hemorrhage three years later.