The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Since Hack lives in a van parked in the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he works as a night janitor, he is forced to shower at a local YMCA. One day to try and speed up his morning routine, he plugged his toaster into a nearby outlet and brought it into the shower so he could watch his Eggo waffles cook. When he regained consciousness, he wrote this story.
Hack’s fascination with biker chicks is so intense that when he saw a woman on a Harley Davidson riding through the Shakey’s parking lot where he works as a night janitor, he wrote this novel on the spot in about twenty minutes. Over 100 pages of it is devoted to a single scene where she engages in anal sex with the night janitor of a pizza parlor, but still…twenty minutes.
Three co-workers (a man, a woman and a pug) return to work after a three-day weekend to find that their office building has become a jungle infested with terrorist guerilla fighters. (Hack doesn’t have a firm grasp of the realities of working a 9-5 job.)
A gorgeous woman has four men vying for her affection and she determines that she will marry the one who is the most skilled at anal sex. College English professors often use this novel as an ideal representation of Hack’s early writing style.
Hack loosely based this novel on his affair with singer Keely Smith, who dated him briefly after her divorce from Louis Prima. Hack always referred to her as “the one that got away” whereas Ms. Smith would later call Hack “that perverted bastard.”
Hack became obsessed with the idea of Amazon warriors watching the old “Wonder Woman” TV show with Lynda Carter. The producers were going to sue Hack for plagiarism (the novel is a blatant rip-off of the show) but they reached a compromise and loosely based the third season two-part episode “Phantom of the Roller Coaster” on the book instead. The TV version is way better than the book.
Hack’s infrequent stabs at the sci-fi genre are surprisingly pretty good. This cover went into more detail than usual because a fan bought the book “Jonny’s Birthday,” the cover of has literally nothing to do with the contents and the guy tried to sue Hack for a billion dollars in damages. They settled on an autographed headshot and one of Hack’s used Kleenex (the guy collected celebrity used Kleenex).
Hack based this novel on the trophy wife of a multi-millionaire he once knew whose spouse mysteriously disappeared the day after Hack was heard bragging to all of his friends that she’d agreed to have sex with him if he murdered her husband. The police declared the case unsolved when she disappeared the day after Hack was heard complaining to all of his friends that she’d reneged on her promise to have sex with him.
When he found out that his cover artist Jonny M. was an actual friend of his biggest celebrity crush Frances Fisher, Hack became so consumed with jealousy that he wrote this novel as retribution. As with many of Hack’s novels though, he lost focus while writing and the last three quarters of the thing jarringly turn into a story that has nothing to do with what it started as. There is one amazingly graphic orgy scene between the inhabitants of two warring planets that almost makes it worthwhile.
These two short stories were packaged as a novel in this “Two Great Books Under One Cover.” Of special interest is “Imaginary Lover” which Hack wrote about his friend Glenn Simon’s fascination with 1970’s sex kitten Joey Heatherton, which is essentially a 75-page sex fantasy that somehow found its way into print. It won an O. Henry Award.