The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack wrote this third entry in the “Doctor Mercy: Female Mad Scientist” saga when he awoke from a dream which told him that Covid-19 comes from the butt. It turned out that he had suffered from such bad gas that night that the woman he was sleeping with had to be rushed to the hospital, where she eventually caught Covid-19. She said the the effects of the virus weren’t anywhere near as bad as living through a night of Hack’s monster farts.
This sequel to “The Contiguous Man” picks up after Hack thought his obnoxious friend had died of a brain hemorrhage and Hack placed the first book in his coffin. It turned out that the friend hadn’t died at all and Hack had attended the funeral of someone he had never met (confusing the hell out of the widow), so when the friend showed up at the van where Hack lives when he was in quarantine from the coronavirus, Hack had a brain hemorrhage.
Hack thought that Donald Trump supporters were the biggest group of idiots that ever collected on this planet but they also made up his core readership, so he wrote this novel praising their protests of the Covid-19 quarantine. Hack’s literary output has included some of the most inane scientific mumbo jumbo ever printed but whenever he is asked about this book, he testily replies “it’s moronic.”
Hack had an increasing number of Zoom meetings as the Coronavirus quarantine escalated, while he also decreased his practice of wearing pants. This came to an unpleasant head when he spilled coffee in his lap during a meeting, giving the participants a closeup view of his badly burned micropenis. This novel is a highly romanticized depiction of that event.
On a visit to New York in the late 1970s, Hack was convinced that he saw a monster outside the window of the train and became more and more hysterical until he was briefly institutionalized. It turned out to be a homeless man who had been struck by the train and his body became glued to its side but since this was when Ed Koch was mayor, no one noticed because that kind of stuff happened all the time.
When Hack went out grocery shopping for the staples of his diet during the coronavirus scare (Jack Daniels and Hershey bars), he found himself surrounded by so many people wearing surgical masks that he had a panic attack and collapsed. He woke up in Tijuana the next day with this manuscript in his pocket.
When Hack’s cable went out while he was engaging in “social distancing” during the coronavirus epidemic, he freaked out and wrote this thing.
Hack wrote this book when his cover artist Jonny M. pontificated his idiotic political agenda one day at lunch, convincing Hack that he had nothing inside his skull but shredded porn magazines from the early 1980s.
Hack’s infrequent stabs at the sci-fi genre are surprisingly pretty good. This cover went into more detail than usual because a fan bought the book “Jonny’s Birthday,” the cover of has literally nothing to do with the contents and the guy tried to sue Hack for a billion dollars in damages. They settled on an autographed headshot and one of Hack’s used Kleenex (the guy collected celebrity used Kleenex).
This was written during an unfortunate period when Hack was convinced that women love man-buns. His own hair was too thin at that point to even attempt the look so he glued the carcass of a rat he dug out from behind a pizza oven to simulate it. Chicks turned out not to dig it.