The Macho Squad

Hack desperately wanted to serve in uniform but when he tried to enlist during the Vietnam war, he was judged to be too psychotic for the military. He was briefly a member of a private militia funded by a high-ranking member of The John Birch Society, but he was drummed out for fragging his commanding officer after he mocked the size of Hack’s tiny genitalia.

Taking a Break from All This Shit

When social distancing from the Coronavirus was at its height, Hack wrote this to keep from having a nervous breakdown. It became one of his all-time biggest sellers despite the fact that he had a nervous breakdown anyway.

The Cult of Jonny

Hack became so obsessively jealous of his cover artist Jonny M.’s ability to effortlessly attract women that he called it “nothing but a goddamned cult.” He wrote this book to mock Jonny but it became such gospel to the countless women who desired him that they mimicked the Jonny branding ceremony on the cover by getting Jonny tattoos. Hack nearly lost his mind when he heard about it.

The Zoom Meeting Surprise

Hack had an increasing number of Zoom meetings as the Coronavirus quarantine escalated, while he also decreased his practice of wearing pants. This came to an unpleasant head when he spilled coffee in his lap during a meeting, giving the participants a closeup view of his badly burned micropenis. This novel is a highly romanticized depiction of that event.

Phantom of the Subway

On a visit to New York in the late 1970s, Hack was convinced that he saw a monster outside the window of the train and became more and more hysterical until he was briefly institutionalized. It turned out to be a homeless man who had been struck by the train and his body became glued to its side but since this was when Ed Koch was mayor, no one noticed because that kind of stuff happened all the time.