The monthly meeting of the Jonny Pals came to order the way all bad ideas do—too late and with a hangover. Smoke hung in the room like a guilty conscience while Bro Joe banged a chipped coffee mug against the folding table and cleared his throat like he was calling witnesses to the stand. “It’s December,” he said, squinting under the flickering light, “and that means Jonny’s birthday is coming up.” The legendary Junior Ranger leaned back in his chair and sneered. “How old’s the moron gonna be this year? 35? 36?” Rosie De Candia, the recording secretary, thumbed through her almanac like it was a police blotter and froze. Her eyes went wide. “64,” she said. The room went quiet. “That can’t be right. Have you seen the way that guy eats? I had 28 in the Death Pool and nearly choked when he blew past that. Anybody got him older than 64?”
They took a poll, the kind that ends friendships, and the verdict was unanimous: Jonny had outlived every reasonable expectation. “Well, shit,” Bro Joe muttered, letting his eyes drift where they weren’t welcome, toward the gorgeous Davida Bourland, who stared straight through him like he was already dead—something that had become fashionable after the Washington Post ran that unforgettable list of his accumulated STDs five years back. “This changes things,” he said. “I was banking on Jonny checking out so I could inherit his fortune and square up with the mob.” He spat on the floor and shrugged. “Turns out Boris has the money, and he hates my guts. So instead of cursing Jonny’s longevity like a bad rash, we’re gonna celebrate it.” He cracked a crooked grin. “This year, we throw a party to end all parties. If he won’t die, we might as well drink to it.”