Category: Law and Order

Hypno-Boobs

Hack went to dinner with a platonic female friend who made the mistake of wearing a low-cut tank top, and Hack realized that he had been unknowingly staring at her cleavage while they talked. He couldn’t pin down how long his eyes were glued to her chest, but he figured it was somewhere between fifteen seconds and forty-five minutes, so he immediately went home and wrote this novel about how all men lose their rational mind at the glimpse of even the outline of a female mammary gland.

I’ll say this for the book; it’s medically accurate.

Jonny & Boris Meet Columbo

Like everyone, Hack loves the old Peter Falk mystery series Columbo. But also like everybody, he couldn’t help but notice that the titular police detective solved his cases on the most slender of evidence that not only wouldn’t hold up in court; it likely wouldn’t have made it to trial. Especially since his suspects were all super-rich glitterati who could afford the finest in defense attorneys.

But the show was always fun, so we forgave it its sins. Hack’s work, by contrast, is never fun so Columbo’s methods run into a brick wall of reality and by the book’s end, he’s been kicked off the force and is serving time for violation of his defendants’ civil rights.

Uncertified Pug Accountant

This novel was inspired by Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. calling his vet to schedule a check-up for his pug Boris and the receptionist innocently asking what Boris was up to. Jonny, being the asshole that he is, responded “He just enrolled in community college and he’s taking an accounting class.”

In the Year 2025

Hack was dining with some acquaintances (he doesn’t really have friends) and he commented that the Zager & Evans’ 1969 apocalyptic folk song In the Year 2525 could just as easily apply to the shit show we’re entering into in 2025. He was then shocked to be told that neither of his companions had heard of the song so he assumed that he hallucinated it during one of drunken binges and wrote this rip-off novel as if it was his creation, even including a CD of him croaking the song and including it with the book.

Zager & Evans inevitably sued Hack for plagiarism as soon as the novel hit bookstores and he now faces 2025 on the verge of declaring bankruptcy for the sixth time. Happy new year!

Continue reading “In the Year 2025”