Category: Movies and Television

Ponderosa

The prairie sky bled red like a fresh wound as Jonny and Boris sat by a lonely campfire, boots stretched toward the flames, letting the smoke curl up into a sunset that looked like it had been poured from a whiskey bottle. A month riding the dust trails had taught them one thing — silence out here wasn’t peace. It was a warning. They turned around to see four men of about the same age on horses, but since one of them had gone prematurely gray, he was in charge.

“I’m Ben Cartwright and these are my sons Hoss, Joseph and Adam, although Adam will be leaving us soon because he’s a Drama Desk Award-winning Shakespearean actor and our adventures have gotten too ridiculous for him. This is our ranch the Ponderosa that we operate exclusively by ourselves, with only our cook Hop Sing to ease our loneliness. Who exactly are you strangers?”

“This is a RANCH?” asked Jonny incredulously. “It’s so big, we thought we were riding from one end of Texas to the other.”

“We’re from the future,” explained Boris nervously as he realized that the Cartwrights were between him and his Colt .45. “We took our time machine to check out the Old West. We didn’t mean to trespass.”

Old man Cartright calmly dismounted while Hoss and Adam boxed in the boys with the horses as Little Joe retrieved Boris’ pistol. The patriarch gave the pug a disinterested glance and then fixed a long, cold look at Jonny.

“Time machine, eh?” said Cartwright as he stroked Jonny’s cheek with his gloved hand. “I’ll say this…they make ‘em with REAL pretty mouths in the future.”

Heaven Knows, Mr. M.

Boris and Jonny got the summons like a bad hand at a crooked table. Rufus T. Firefly’s office smelled of panic and cigar smoke, and the Dictator for Life was pacing like a man who’d misplaced his spine. “I’ve got sour news, boys,” Firefly said, voice cracking like cheap shellac. “You fled here to dodge that lunatic Donald Trump, and now he’s kicking down our door. The orange windbag’s declared war on us for our helium reserves. As if he didn’t already sound ridiculous every time he opened his mouth.”

Boris cocked an eyebrow and scratched his jowls. “I thought our spiritual ringer, Sister Ana of Armas, handed him her Nobel Peace Prize to keep his beady little eyes off our goofy gas.” Firefly snorted. “The man’s got the memory of a three-day-old gnat. He forgot. That’s why you’re here. Boris, you take the northern front and try not to get us all killed. Jonny—your job’s heavier. Sister Ana is the soul of this tin-pot republic. She breathes, we breathe. You get her south to our friends. It won’t be pretty, but you’re the only mug I trust to pull it off.”

Jonny opened his mouth to protest the partner split when the door swung open and the good sister walked in. They’d heard the hymns about her kindness and charity, but none of them mentioned she was built like trouble with a halo slapped on top. Boris clocked it instantly—Sister Ana froze when she saw Jonny, her angelic face melting into the same hungry look every Van Nuys tramp gave his pal when she’d already picked out the motel. The pug had seen that look a hundred times. It always ended the same way—wrinkled sheets, bad decisions, and regrets that didn’t last past breakfast.

Jonny & Boris Meet J.J. Gittes

Finally confronted with a direct question of what Boris’ relationship actually was to him, Jonny shot a furtive glance at the pug and quietly answered “He’s my partner.” “Okay, so he’s your partner,” replied Gittes. “So why the…” “He’s my pet,” interrupted Jonny.

Gittes had finally had enough. He slapped Jonny across the face with enough force to rattle his teeth. “He’s my partner…” Gittes slapped him again. “He’s my pet…” Another slap. “My partner, my pet…”

Gittes delivered a barrage of slaps that reduced Jonny to hysterics. “I said I want the truth!”

“He’s my partner AND my pet!” screamed Jonny. “And when I’m lonely, sometimes I get him to lick peanut butter off my wang. Got it now? Or is it too tough for you?”

The Tragedy of My Asshole Teen Son

Hack saw the brilliant film Hamnet about how Shakespeare was inspired to write his masterpiece Hamlet by the death of his young son and was so moved that he wrote a Jonny & Boris “Time Machine” novel where they go back in time and save the kid. Unfortunately, Hack then got inspired by his relationship with his own abusive father so that the thing went completely off the rails from there.