Category: Movies and Television

“And The Rest”

Mary Ann ran breathlessly to the train platform dragging her red gingham suitcase behind her. She threw her arms around Jonny, expecting to be rewarded with one of his trademark uvula-drenching tongue kisses. Instead, he softly pushed her away as the temperature of the station seemed to drop ten degrees.

“Sorry I’m late,” she stammered. “When my stern religious father heard about my plan to go with you to Van Nuys, he preached the scriptures about the whore in Babylon to get me to reconsider. He finally disowned me and cast me out, but here I am.”

“About that, doll,” said Jonny slowly as Boris lit a cigarette to give his partner time to recite the speech he’d spoken a million times before. “We said a lot of beautiful things, but it’s time to face reality. You could never fit in in my world any more than I could in yours.  But as a parting gift, here’s a free trip to Hawaii, including a 3-hour tour on the S.S. Minnow. They said it gets cold on the boat, so you should bring six months’ worth of clothes with you.”

“Buh..but…” the amazingly tanned farmgirl sputtered as tears welled in her eyes, “you promised to take me with you if I’d perform that disgusting sex act that’s illegal in my county, under pain of being shackled in the public stocks and marked with a scarlet ‘A’”.

Jonny’s eyes narrowed as the Last Call whistle blasted from their train.

“Them’s the breaks, baby.”

Happy heavenly birthday to the great Dawn Wells!

The Thin Man Needs a New Liver

Hack has been binge-watching the old Thin Man movies with William Powell and Myrna Loy as Nick and Nora Charles, and he was taken aback by the profligate drinking in the films, especially by Nick Charles. That’s a bold statement considering that Hack is on his third liver, so he decided to write a realistic Thin Man novel, where Charles is at death’s door because of his drunkenness and hasn’t been able to sexually perform in decades. It’s actually a fun read.

Jonny & Boris meet Charlie Chan

Warner Oland was born Johan Verner Olund in Sweden in 1879. He came to the USA as a child and found success as an actor in silent films (most notably as Al Jolson’s cantor father in the mainly silent The Jazz Singer), but he won real stardom in Hollywood’s “Yellowface” era for playing Asian characters like Henry Chang in Shanghai Express, Dr. Yogami in Werewolf of London, and Dr. Fu Manchu in The Mysterious Fu Manchu, The Return of Dr. Fu Manchu, and Daughter of the Dragon.

Oland’s most famous role by far was as the gentle Chinese/Hawaiian detective Charlie Chan in a popular series of mysteries for Fox Film Corporation with titles like Charlie Chan at the Opera, Charlie Chan on Broadway, and Charlie Chan at the Race Track. Actor Keye Luke (later of Kung Fu fame), who played Chan’s “Number One Son,” said Oland wore no makeup as Chan and was often mistaken for Chinese by actual Chinese nationals.

Chan, as depicted in the novels in which he was introduced and as played by Oland, was an intelligent, heroic, benevolent, and honorable character. But in this novel, Chan was given a full Hack Werker makeover, suffering from an opium addiction, forcing confessions by employing ancient Chinese torture techniques, and taking part in the perverse and graphic sex scenes which are Hack’s trademark. You’re much better off watching Charlie Chan at the Opera (which is a surprisingly enjoyable movie) instead.

Happy heavenly birthday to Warner Oland!