Cruise Nurse

The pleasure ship’s infirmary looked like a crime scene where the weapon was cheap liquor and bad judgment. Passengers were draped over cots and trash cans, retching like they were trying to cough up their souls. Perry Gordeaux, the baby-faced pre-med working the voyage as an assistant medic, wiped his brow and shook his head. “That’s what happens when you guzzle chocolate martinis till dawn,” he said. “Even Doc Merlin went down swinging. I handed him our last barf bag five minutes ago.”

“I’ve never known Doc to drink,” said Jennifer Brooks, the ship’s head nurse—tall, gorgeous, and built like trouble. “But with him out cold, it’s just you and me holding this circus together.” She lowered her voice. “Lucky for us, Boris Pug is a passenger. Not licensed, but he knows more medicine than anyone with a diploma. Unlucky for us, that means his owner Jonny M. will be sniffing around. So forgive me if I keep my back to the wall—he’s got wandering hands.”

She barely finished the sentence before fate kicked in the door. Boris and Jonny were suddenly there. Jonny flashed Jennifer a grin that belonged in a police lineup, already making her skin crawl, but Boris was all steel nerves and cold logic. “Our last port of call was Freedonia,” the pug said. “Did any of the passengers engage in anal sex with a proboscis monkey?”

“Probably a few dozen,” Jennifer said, swatting away Jonny’s creeping hand. “That’s the main attraction.”

Boris’s eyes darkened. “This isn’t simple alcohol poisoning. All that monkey business brewed a virus mean enough to crack the world wide open the moment we dock anywhere civilized.” He paused. “I might be able to cook up an antidote. Long shot. But to get the key ingredient…” He looked at Jennifer. Then at Jonny. “You’ll have to merge bodily fluids. The old-fashioned way.”

The infirmary groaned. The ship rolled. And somewhere out at sea, the end of the world cleared its throat.

Boris of the Yukon

The snow came down like a bad alibi, thick and merciless, smothering the Alaskan night while old Merlin paced his cabin atop a hoard of gold, counting it and cursing the world. The fire cracked. His voice did too. “The Lord sees you,” he snarled, scripture dripping from his tongue. “He sees the men staring at you with lust in their hearts.”

Nancy—too alive for a dead place like this—smoothed the short white slip she wore and met his glare without blinking. “Who do you blame for that, Dad?” she said. “You dragged me into this frozen nowhere where the ratio’s five hundred men to one woman. If you ever looked up from praying, you’d see every guy within ten miles already thinking it.”

Merlin answered the way cowards do. He shoved her out into the storm, slammed the door, and let the lock speak for him. Snow soaked silk. Cold gnawed bone. Then, through the howling white, came the clean ring of sleigh bells—and out of the blur emerged a dog sled pulled by the one creature mean enough to laugh at a night like this. Boris of the Yukon was coming fast.

Happy Sled Dog Day!

Monkeyprints on the Ceiling

“Robert Vestal was the most hated man in this rotten burg,” Jonny said, flicking a finger toward the stiff cooling on the floor. Boris rode his shoulders like a bad idea, nose inches from the ceiling, muttering to himself about cracks in the plaster only a professional lunatic could love. “Any one of his enemies would’ve paid good money to see him dead—and most of ’em already had.”

Linda and Pussy, the dames the boys had dragged along in hopes the night would end softer than it started, traded looks sharp enough to cut glass. “But the nice police detective said the place was sealed,” Linda said. “Doors locked. Windows bolted. Nobody could’ve gotten in.”

“No HUMAN could’ve gotten in,” Boris snapped, finally peeling his eyes off the ceiling. “That’s where the badge boys stop thinking. They stare straight ahead and never bother to look up. If they had, they’d have seen the monkeyprints—right there, crawling out of the air vent. Same prints made by JoJo, Vestal’s pet macaque and the only beneficiary of his dirty little empire. Congratulations, gentlemen. Your killer likes bananas.”

Pussy screamed before the echo had time to settle. They all turned and saw JoJo in the doorway, Vestal’s own pistol clutched in his hairy paw, barrel steady, eyes cold. He thumbed back the hammer with a neat little click.

“Your reputation precedes you, Mr. Pug,” the monkey said, smiling without warmth. “It’s a real shame the four of you won’t live long enough to enjoy it.”

Miss Jonny Pal

The big moment finally slunk into the room like a bad debt. Under the hot lights, the entrants in the Miss Jonny Pal Beauty Contest squirmed in their postage-stamp bikinis and duct-taped dreams, sweat shining like cheap varnish. Jesse Merlin—once a golden-throated crooner back when jukeboxes still mattered—lurched toward the microphone. Alimony had chewed him down to the bone, and now he paid the tab by hosting carnivals like this. He blinked, steadied himself, and tried to sound sober. The “Jonny Gals,” as the socials had christened them, traded one last round of razor-edged glares, smiles sharp enough to draw blood.

Merlin cleared his throat and sang out the verdict. “Pussy Cat.”

The room froze. The stage went quiet enough to hear hearts misfire. The judges hadn’t crowned a silicone siren with a smile bought on credit—they’d handed the gold to a common alley cat. An alley cat who just happened to be the girlfriend of Boris Pug, second in command of the Jonny Pals and a permanent fixture in Van Nuys. The sash swallowed her whole, a sunburst of satin ten sizes too big, while her influential canine beau bathed her with that famous tongue of his. Out front, the lovelies’ eyes went red. Whispers slithered through the crowd. The word “fix” made the rounds like a loaded gun, and the also-rans decided right then they’d prove it.

Jonny & Boris Meet J.J. Gittes

Finally confronted with a direct question of what Boris’ relationship actually was to him, Jonny shot a furtive glance at the pug and quietly answered “He’s my partner.” “Okay, so he’s your partner,” replied Gittes. “So why the…” “He’s my pet,” interrupted Jonny.

Gittes had finally had enough. He slapped Jonny across the face with enough force to rattle his teeth. “He’s my partner…” Gittes slapped him again. “He’s my pet…” Another slap. “My partner, my pet…”

Gittes delivered a barrage of slaps that reduced Jonny to hysterics. “I said I want the truth!”

“He’s my partner AND my pet!” screamed Jonny. “And when I’m lonely, sometimes I get him to lick peanut butter off my wang. Got it now? Or is it too tough for you?”

The Tragedy of My Asshole Teen Son

Hack saw the brilliant film Hamnet about how Shakespeare was inspired to write his masterpiece Hamlet by the death of his young son and was so moved that he wrote a Jonny & Boris “Time Machine” novel where they go back in time and save the kid. Unfortunately, Hack then got inspired by his relationship with his own abusive father so that the thing went completely off the rails from there.