When Hack saw his cover artist Jonny M.’s new Christmas tree ornament depicting evil Spock with a beard from the Star Trek episode “Mirror, Mirror,” he was fascinated; especially when Jonny explained that the episode contained his favorite line “my operatives will avenge my death…and some of them are Vulcans.” The threat was directed at evil Mr. Sulu who appeared to shit his pants at the warning, making Hack wonder exactly what evil Spock’s Vulcan operatives were capable of.
Hack provided the answer with this novel. If you seen the “Mirror, Mirror” episode and imagined what evil Spock was referring to, be warned: what’s described in the book is much worse.
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. and his pug Boris invited over Hack to watch the charming comedy/drama My Old Ass starring Maisy Stella and Aubrey Plaza about a young woman who meets up with her older self. Hack got drunk and fell asleep five minutes after the movie started (as always) but he did see enough to hallucinate this story about what teenage Jonny’s reaction would be if he beheld the embodiment of his own disappointing future standing in front of him.
Jonny read the novel and grudgingly admitted that Hack’s vision was accurate, but added that the kid he grew out of was something of a moron himself so he took the little shit’s despondent reaction to him with a grain of salt.
Hack went to see a screening of the sci-fi classic The Search for Spock and was especially interested when the titular Vulcan (who had been left for dead on the planet Genesis and had been regenerated, aging at a rapid rate) had hit his teenage years and was going through Pon Farr for the first time, which is basically when the pointy-eared aliens are in heat. Hack was excited because as luck would have it, the gorgeous female Vulcan Saavik was onhand to lead Spock into manhood (or in this case, Vulcanhood) and with all Hack had heard about Pon Farr, he was expecting to see some violent and intense extraterrestrial banging.
Instead, Saavik gave him what amounted to a timid and disinterested hand job, which apparently did the trick because beta Spock immediately returned to the lethargic state that he was in throughout the rest of the goddamned movie. Hack was prepared to march to the box office to demand his money back when he realized that this was the reconstituted Vulcan’s first sexual experience, and Hack thought back to when he popped his own cherry at the tender age of 8 that it amounted to a timid and disinterested hand job too. So he decided that if the world was going to get the straight dope about the perversions experienced Vulcans indulged in when they lost their minds once every seven years, he’d have to write it himself. This book is that story and if you can get your hands on a copy, you’ll find that they’re into some intensely rough trade.
