Category: Crime

Silent But Deadly

Hack had been wanting to kill off the Jonny character like Conan Doyle did with Sherlock Holmes so he wrote this “locked room mystery” where Boris is force-fed beans until Jonny is asphyxiated by the pug’s flatulence. Unfortunately for Hack, his plot leaked while he was writing the thing and his fans were so outraged that (like Conan Doyle) he had to bring back his creation and Jonny was reanimated in the final chapter by hooking his scrotum up to a car battery and shocking his balls until he was alive again.

Jonny & Boris Meet Columbo

Like everyone, Hack loves the old Peter Falk mystery series Columbo. But also like everybody, he couldn’t help but notice that the titular police detective solved his cases on the most slender of evidence that not only wouldn’t hold up in court; it likely wouldn’t have made it to trial. Especially since his suspects were all super-rich glitterati who could afford the finest in defense attorneys.

But the show was always fun, so we forgave it its sins. Hack’s work, by contrast, is never fun so Columbo’s methods run into a brick wall of reality and by the book’s end, he’s been kicked off the force and is serving time for violation of his defendants’ civil rights.

Jonny & Boris Meet Veronica Mars

Hack had never heard of Veronica Mars but he saw a Hot Sauce Challenge video on YouTube with Kristen Bell and he fell head-over-heels in love with her, so he wrote this mystery novel as a means of winning her heart. It only resulted in yet another restraining order being filed against him but at least it’s a pretty good read.

Brain Transplant in the Wax Museum

Hack had long wanted to write a mystery set in a wax museum and when he finally got around to crapping out this one, he was so happy with the result that he celebrated by dripping hot candle wax on his junk for two hours. The book became one of his all-time best sellers and his royalties paid for the skin grafts he would need to repair the damage.

NAMbLA Busters

When Hack and his publisher John Kane went out to dinner recently, they were overheard reminiscing about the North American Man/Boy Love Association (akA NAMbLA), a pedophilia and pederasty advocacy organization that dissolved in 2006. The next morning, Kane found Hack asleep in his office with this manuscript on his desk.