Category: Damsels in Distress

The Deaf Detective

When Hack learned that Jonny was going to see an audiologist about possibly needing a hearing aid, he was so delighted that he immediately wrote this novel and gave Jonny (who also makes the artwork for Hack’s book covers) explicit instructions on what he wanted depicted in the cover art.

Alas, when Jonny came back from his appointment and reported that the doctor told him that his hearing had only a microscopic decrease from last year and he wasn’t in need of a hearing aid yet, Hack (who has two hearing aids, a pacemaker and an experimental liver made from stem cells and soy product) was so depressed that he locked himself in his van and refused to come out for three days.

Burlap Face

When Jonny had dinner with Bro Joe and their friend Penny, Joe announced that from the restaurant he would be driving to a nearby mountain where he would hike to the top and sleep in a new contraption that he’d purchased which he described as “a mesh coffin.” This prompted Jonny to tease him that he would be murdered during the night by a maniac named Burlap Face. The narrative then took a turn and it was decided that it was JOE who was actually Burlap Face, and everybody laughed.

When Hack heard about it, he immediately wrote this gruesome erotic thriller based on the concept. Jonny threatened to sue him for plagiarism until he found out that the character based on his college-aged self lost his virginity to Conan the Barbarian-era Sandahl Bergman, so he signed off on it.

A Late Night Pee

Hack so enjoyed the pulp novel Hoodlum Alley that he wrote this rip-off, having completely forgotten that he himself had written the original. Unfortunately for Hack, when Hack learned that he had been plagiarized, he sued the plagiarist for everything he had, so Hack had to cough up a huge settlement, all of which wound up going towards Hack’s attorney fees. Hack ended up filing for bankruptcy yet again, and the bad publicity sent the book sales into the toilet.