The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
For some reason Hack lives in mortal fear of being blackmailed, although no one can quite figure out why because he’s put so much dirt about himself in his novels that nothing could possibly come out that is worse than what the world already knows.
Hack wrote this book after he learned that his friend Snow Mercy had founded an organization called The Nipple Immunity Program (NIP) which was started to educate the public that diseases of the heart, lungs, stomach, kidneys, liver, lymph nodes and mammary tissue result from smothering our nipples under clothing. The group’s mission statement claims that “Our nipples need bacteria, viruses, fungi, and fresh air to be healthy.”
Hack supports the aims of NIP mainly because he really likes nipples.
Hack is a huge fan of the great John Cleese so he crapped out this novel to determine what actually happened to the Norwegian Blue. It turned out to be a suicide.
This was the second time that Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. posted his artwork on Instagram and the celebrity subject “liked” it. The first was the great Susanna Hoffs of The Bangles opining on Hack’s horror novel “Walk Like an Egyptian.” This time, it was when the great Mr. Cleese clicked his approval of “The Case of the Dead Parrot.” Hack wants both of those acknowledgements carved on his headstone.
The opening line read “When the beauty sunbathing on the white sands opened her eyes and saw the leering man stepping toward her from a red convertible, her first thought was: ‘Maybe corona isn’t the worst virus after all.'”
Hack based this story on an incident that took place after the publication of “The Three Way” where his friend Rosie De Candia tried to murder him at a book signing after she she her picture on the cover.
Hack had to go into hiding after publishing this novel about a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction novelist who is so sexually potent that women have to take him on two at a time in order to survive the encounter. The main female protagonist was clearly based on his friend Rosanna De Candia who, when she saw the cover, vowed to “hunt Hack down like the dog he is.” Ms. De Candia finally forgave Hack after his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris (who was also depicted as a character) attacked Hack’s groin so savagely that he was hospitalized for three months.
A warrior princess enters the world of men to find a mate, where she meets a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction to copulate with. She can only get pregnant anally, so they spend the rest of the novel having backdoor sex until she finally spits out a tiny egg (so that she won’t ruin her smokin’ hot body with pregnancy) that hatches into another gorgeous woman who needs to have anal sex with the pulp fiction writer to survive. Hack considers this one of his best books.
Hack was dissatisfied with “Dangerous Gams and the Mystery of the Heart-Shaped Bed” and wanted to retire the series. But his readership demanded a new installment so he cranked this out during his lunch hour from his job as the night janitor of Shakey’s Pizza Parlor as a fantasy of how he imagined his shift would be when he got back from his break. His heroes spent most of their time having anal sex with the titular vamp in between scenes of them solving a mystery involving some stolen diamonds, while Hack actually spent the next few hours scraping vomit from off the Ms. Pac Man machine.
Hack thought that Donald Trump supporters were the biggest group of idiots that ever collected on this planet but they also made up his core readership, so he wrote this novel praising their protests of the Covid-19 quarantine. Hack’s literary output has included some of the most inane scientific mumbo jumbo ever printed but whenever he is asked about this book, he testily replies “it’s moronic.”
The title of this book was supposed to be “Mob Informant” but the copywriter who came up with the text for the cover took his conversation with publisher John Kane too literally and laid out this instead. Hack was angry until the new title sold three times as many copies as expected.