Hack was inspired to write this book when his cover artist Jonny M. joined his outdoorsy brother Joe on hike and Jonny had to be air-lifted to a hospital after twenty minutes.
Junior Ranger and the Caves of Mount Hollywood
Author: admin
The Sexiest Grandma
When Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. saw his friend Frances Fisher in the play “Native Gardens” at the Pasadena Playhouse, she told him that she was expecting her first grandchild. This intensified Hack’s already manic obsession with the actress because he’s “always had a thing for grandmothers,” so he wrote this very strange book about the fetish. After it was published, Ms. Fisher’s restraining order against Hack was extended from 50 to 500 yards.
Reservoir Pugs
When his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris beat the living hell out of Hack for being disrespectful to his master, Hack sat down and wrote this novelization of the Quentin Tarantino film “Reservoir Dogs” with a Boris-like pug as Harvey Keitel’s character Mr. Blonde. Tarantino was going to sue but he reportedly found the whole thing so goddamned hilarious that he let it go in exchange for Hack playing the role of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer in his film “Pulp Fiction,” which ultimately wound up on the cutting room floor.
Marrying Mr. Darcy
When Hack heard that his celebrity crush Frances Fisher was starring in a film with this title, he got excited and immediately rushed out this novel with the same name about a sweet girl who unknowingly marries Satan and spends eternity ruling Hell. When Ms. Fisher’s film came out and it turned out to be a charming romantic comedy/drama having nothing to do with the Prince of Darkness, Hack tried to changw the title of his book to “The Devil’s Bride” not realizing that it had already been on sale for a month with the first title but no one cared because Hack’s version was really stupid no matter what it was called
Three Years of Hell
To commemorate the third anniversary of when his cover artist Jonny M. became Facebook friends with his celebrity crush Frances Fisher, Hack wrote this malicious chronicle of their relationship which painted Jonny as an annoying thorn in Ms. Fisher’s side. The only comment that the “Titanic” star gave about the book was “Werker pretty much nailed it.”
Blaze of Death
Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. was the victim of arson when a person with severe emotional problems tried to burn his house down with him and his pug Boris inside it*. Hack was fascinated by the story and used it as the basis for this novel. Unlike in real life (where the arsonist served a long prison term), in Hack’s version the fire kills Jonny and Boris and the arsonist gets off scotch-free.
* No shit, that really happened.
Lust on the Titanic
Hack’s obsession with the film “Titanic” and its star Frances Fisher is common knowledge and he wrote the story from the point of view of her character Ruth Dewitt Bukater to clear up what he felt were some inconsistencies in the story. For instance, when Ruth hooks up with a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction while her daughter Rose is off doing who-knows-what with Jack, he tries to introduce her to the wonders of anal sex. She is so furious that she rips the door off her cabin closet and clobbers him over the head with it, breaking it in half with the blow. When the same door floats to the water’s surface after the ship sinks giving Rose something to ride on to safety, Ruth’s attack has rendered it too small to also carry Jack so he sinks to a watery grave.
Junior Ranger and the Sick Warriors of Lu Mountain
The Junior Ranger franchise came roaring back to its previous popularity where Ranger Joe is captured by a race of female “Stick Warriors” who anally violate him with their sticks.
Boris Taking Charge
When his cover artist Jonny M.’s beloved pug Winston died and Jonny got another pug named Boris, Hack was delighted because he secretly hated Winston. To get Boris on his side from the start, Hack wrote this patronizing saga depicting the young pug as a super power who always fought for the side of right. The book turned out to be prescient because Boris saw through Hack’s bullshit immediately. Hack, in turn, grew to hate Boris even more than he hated Winston.
Forgiven
Hack wrote this sequel to Clint Eastwood’s classic Western “Unforgiven” to tell the story of what happened to the town madam Strawberry Alice (played by Hack’s obsessive celebrity crush Frances Fisher). It begins just as the movie is ending, when Alice runs out of Greely’s Berr Garden and Billiard Parlour just before the climactic shootout with William Munny and Little Bill Daggett and into the waiting arms of her secret lover, a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction. The rest is a tale of their perfect love as the male character (who Hack neglected to give a name) writes fabulously successful novels while Alice practices all the erotic skills on him that she learned from her years working at the billiard parlour. Nothing much happens until the end, when Munny inexplicably shows up and the male character tells him to move his ass to San Francisco, where he’ll prosper in dry goods.