The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This was a “memory piece” from Hack’s teenage years when he and a girlfriend would taunt the bums in New York’s Bowery district by shamelessly making out in front of them. The bums finally had enough and surrounded the pair, let the girl go but made Hack stay and French kiss every one of them until he’d learned his lesson. They were surprised when he showed up for the next three weeks in a row for more lessons.
Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia was outraged when she saw the cover of “Junior Ranger and the Essential Workers” and realized that she had been depicted as a doctor wearing scrubs, since she only tolerated being pictured on Hack’s book covers if she was shown in the scantiest of attire. Hack quickly wrote this follow-up in which a character based upon Ms. De Candia is naked throughout the entire story to make it up to her.
Hack wrote this after going to a bar with his friend Glenn Simon to meet women and Simon took off with one early in the evening. He wound up marrying the young lady while Hack spent the night washing glasses because he rang up a $400 bar tab and his credit card was declined.
Hack’s dream was to start a writing movement and be inundated with loving fan art from his devoted followers, so he wrote this book to nudge them in that direction. He only received one drawing: a crude cartoon where his tiny penis was depicted as a hole punched in the piece of paper which infuriated him until it was purchased by a high-end art gallery for two thousand dollars.
Hack wrote this when a female friend told him via Zoom that she was getting through the isolation of the Coronavirus quarantine by having sex with a dress mannequin that she had strapped a cucumber to. When Hack offered to come over and provide the service himself, she turned him down saying that she would find it too degrading.
The all-true story of Hack’s cover artist Jonny M’s interactions with the fairer sex. This is one of Hack’s most accurate ventures into the field of historical fiction.
The cover art of its first edition printing met with universal mockery from the women who were depicted in it, so Hack insisted that a new cover be created for its 2024 reprint. It’s a far more accurate depiction of Jonny’s relationship with the ladies.
A gorgeous woman appears to have murdered her male roommate and hires her ex-lover Detective Jonny to solve the case. It turns out that the roommate faked his own death and the pair pinned it on Jonny, who gets as far as having the noose placed over his head on the gallows when Hack suddenly lost interest in the story and spent the last twenty pages railing against his abusive father.
For some reason Hack lives in mortal fear of being blackmailed, although no one can quite figure out why because he’s put so much dirt about himself in his novels that nothing could possibly come out that is worse than what the world already knows.
Hack had to go into hiding after publishing this novel about a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction novelist who is so sexually potent that women have to take him on two at a time in order to survive the encounter. The main female protagonist was clearly based on his friend Rosanna De Candia who, when she saw the cover, vowed to “hunt Hack down like the dog he is.” Ms. De Candia finally forgave Hack after his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris (who was also depicted as a character) attacked Hack’s groin so savagely that he was hospitalized for three months.