The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
“Werker’s most depraved work yet. A perverse collection of misspelled sexual scenarios strung together by a loose plot in which he is clearly working out issues from his disturbing upbringing. This ‘novel’ (and I use that word loosely) is nothing but a cry for help from a deeply twisted man.”
– The Tolucan Times
Hack wrote this to suck up to “Titanic” star Frances Fisher on her birthday. It resulted in her first restraining order against him.
Hack had been approached to write his autobiography for decades but when he finally got around to it, his brain was so fried from alcohol and drug use that he could barely remember anything about his own life. The first fifty pages are an accurate depiction of his abusive relationship with his father but the rest of the book is accounts of sexual fantasies he’s had of women throughout his life; from major movie stars to supermarket cashiers he glanced at in passing. It became one of his all-time best sellers.
This is one of Hack’s many attempts to suck up to his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass by imaging her elected the first Jewish female president and taking a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer as her live-in lover. She doesn’t get a lot of work done.
After Hack got out of the hospital following the beating his friend Sara gave him for writing “The Car Salesman,” he heard news that she had a much better experience with a female salesperson who Sara learned was a lesbian. Hack wrote this book about the experience which his publisher John Kane was expecting to be a salacious romp full of girl-on-girl sex. But Hack surprised him with this family-friendly tale of a happily married lesbian with two adopted children who sells a good car to a woman at a fair price.
It was not well-received by Hack’s core readership, but at least the misleading cover art did result in reasonably good sales in Bible Belt states.
The story of a man who has an affair with a circus performer but keeps suffering from erectile dysfunction because a gorilla stares at them while they try to “do it.” Hack says that it’s all true except that A> there was no circus B> there was no woman, and C> the gorilla was actually a house cat that would attack him while he was trying to masturbate.
This novel (originally titled Dying Wish) was based on Hack’s visit to a dying rich friend in the hospital in the hopes of being included in his will and his having sex with the friend’s nurse who thought that he was the patient. It departed from the actual event in that Hack’s buddy made a complete recovery and married a 23 year-old Denny’s waitress who has barred Hack from coming anywhere near her husband or her, and the nurse was actually a 300 lb. Honduran man named Jorge.
Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.
Hack was addicted to the dating website Tinder for a time and based this book on the typical reaction of the ladies who met him on it.
Hack has written so many books about virgins being coerced into having their cherries popped by low-lifes who were very into anal sex that it’s pretty hard to tell one apart from another. But this is one of the better ones because of its subplot about space aliens trying to blow up Earth, if you don’t mind getting through all the anal sex stuff to read it.