Hack wrote this during the Coronavirus quarantine after he realized that all the women he had Zoom meetings with got hotter and hotter as they supposedly “let themselves go.”
Gentlemen Prefer Blondes with Dark Roots
Category: Beautiful Babes
Dangerous Gams
After the success of “The Maltese Pug,” Hack felt confident to return to the detective genre started by his heroes like Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler. He felt that the only element missing from their masterpieces to make them perfect was numerous depictions of graphic anal sex, which this book did its best to make up for.
The Peter Pan Complex
Hack’s close friend Rosanna De Candia started the second edition of her podcast Jersey Reads the Classics with the JM Barrie perennial “Peter Pan.” Hack wrote this novel about his own experiences with the book as a tribute.
The Macho Squad
Hack desperately wanted to serve in uniform but when he tried to enlist during the Vietnam war, he was judged to be too psychotic for the military. He was briefly a member of a private militia funded by a high-ranking member of The John Birch Society, but he was drummed out for fragging his commanding officer after he mocked the size of Hack’s tiny genitalia.
Infantile Idiots
When Hack’s friend Snow Mercy took a job administering Covid-19 tests during the pandemic, he wrote this book after he couldn’t find anything good to watch on Netflix.
The Cult of Jonny
Hack became so obsessively jealous of his cover artist Jonny M.’s ability to effortlessly attract women that he called it “nothing but a goddamned cult.” He wrote this book to mock Jonny but it became such gospel to the countless women who desired him that they mimicked the Jonny branding ceremony on the cover by getting Jonny tattoos. Hack nearly lost his mind when he heard about it.
The Zoom Meeting Surprise
Hack had an increasing number of Zoom meetings as the Coronavirus quarantine escalated, while he also decreased his practice of wearing pants. This came to an unpleasant head when he spilled coffee in his lap during a meeting, giving the participants a closeup view of his badly burned micropenis. This novel is a highly romanticized depiction of that event.
His Love Child
When he heard that his cover artist Jonny M. had two “love children” named Jonikwa and Jon Jr. whose mother was constantly hounding him for her monthly child support checks, Hack was so delighted that he sat down and wrote this book to publicly embarrass Jonny. As it always happens when Hack plots to ruin someone, the plot backfired horribly because the book was a bestseller and Jonny successfully sued him for libel so that he was able to set up trust funds for the kids and never had to write a check again.
Sin Hotel
Hack intended this as a stern morality tale about the brothel he worked in as a child but he made the sex sound so awesome that any moral statement was completely lost on the reader.
Doctor Mercy: Female Mad Scientist
When Hack’s friend, world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy (who is also an actual bona fide scientist) lectured him on the scientific realities of the Covid-19 virus, he was so impressed that he went home and crapped out this sci-fi novel. As with all of Hack’s book, he did no research whatsoever and the “science” is all made up BS, but at least it gave you something to do while you were social distancing during the pandemic.