The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
A motorcycle gang comprised on men in their fifties ascend up a local girls high school and introduce the Valedictorian to the wonders of anal intercourse on her 18th birthday. But a gorgeous student teacher spanks the defiance out of her and when she receives an acceptance letter to Harvard on graduation day, she thanks her guardian angel with a torrid weekend of violent lesbian sex. Very loosely based on the teenage years of Ruth Bader Ginsburg.
When Hack formed yet another crush on a young woman who came into the Shakey’s where he works, he formulated an elaborate plan to win her affections by having some ne’er do wells associates of his pretend to kidnap her father so that he could rescue him, making her fall in love with with him. The scheme inevitably went wrong (as all of Hack’s schemes do) and the associates are serving a life sentence for the father’s murder while Hack once again was set free on a technicality. He wrote this book based on the experience and it’s not a bad read.
Hack’s fascination with biker chicks is so intense that when he saw a woman on a Harley Davidson riding through the Shakey’s parking lot where he works as a night janitor, he wrote this novel on the spot in about twenty minutes. Over 100 pages of it is devoted to a single scene where she engages in anal sex with the night janitor of a pizza parlor, but still…twenty minutes.
While she’s picking the one to be her lover, she has sex with everyone (male and female) in the village. (Spoiler alert: she winds up running away with the pug.)
Hack wrote this as soon as he heard that his celebrity crush Frances Fisher was performing the play of the same title. As always, he did no research so he thought the story was about a literal lion. It’s best read under the influence of weed.
Hack was surprised to discover that his books sold well south of the border, so he wrote this one in Spanish using Google Translate with his musical crush Linda Ronstadt as the heroine. Sadly it sold poorly in Mexico (where it was considered incomprehensible) but it was an unexpected hit in Thailand.
Hack wrote this spy thriller with high hopes of selling the movie rights, starting a franchise that would spring to the collective mind every time a Friday the 13th appeared on the calendar. When he learned that there was already a series of horror films based on that strategy, he made another of his many failed suicide attempts by jumping out a window but broke his fall by landing on the woman who would become his sixth wife. After they were divorced three months later, Hack said that he wished that he’d stuck with his original title of “Goldfinger.”
This was written when Hack’s air conditioner went out during a heat wave. He did not take it well.
Three co-workers (a man, a woman and a pug) return to work after a three-day weekend to find that their office building has become a jungle infested with terrorist guerilla fighters. (Hack doesn’t have a firm grasp of the realities of working a 9-5 job.)
When filmmaker Gary Marshall directed a series of romantic comedies with holiday themes like “Valentine’s Day,” “New Year’s Eve” and “Mother’s Day,” Hack wrote a spec script titled “Labor Day” and sent it to Mr. Marshall’s office. They passed on the project, objecting to the grimmer aspects of the story where a woman invites a man to a holiday barbeque and then locks him in her basement BDSM dungeon, subjecting him to various genital tortures until he admits his love for him. Hack refashioned the story into this novel about young love although he admitted that he didn’t consider it his best work, saying that it was “too sappy.”