Category: Catnip to the Ladies

Harem Girls of Van Nuys

When his cover artist Jonny M. decided to fuck with Hack by telling him that there was a white slaver ringer that worked out of his home town of Van Nuys, California and they sold young women into the underground sex market. Hack immediately took this outlandish tale as gospel and cranked out this “all true story” without so much as checking any other source. Only after the book came out did he actually try to procure a sex slave from the mob but when he approached the dicey character he thought was in charge, he wound up being talked into buying a timeshare in Boca Raton.

Rob Vestal: International Super Stud

When Hack was in especially dire straits he threw a contest where the winner would have his own Hack Werker novel written about him. Hack had a hard time with this because the guy was, in Hack’s words, “the only person I’ve ever met who’s creepier than I am.” He stuck to the bargain and completed this novel, which by all accounts is one of the most disturbing things he’s ever written.

Oh, Fuck It: I’m in a Bad Mood and I Need This Today

Hack was in a funk when he wrote this sci-fi novel about a futuristic Hack Werker-like writer of pulp novels who has to save the universe by providing anal sex to an army of female Amazonian space warriors. The title of the book was supposed to be “Space Raiders of Galaxy XY” but when his publisher John Kane asked him on a conference call what they should call it, this is what Hack responded.

The Virgin Hunters

This is the true story of a group of bored housewives who lived in Hack’s neighborhood and got their kicks by betting on which one could deflower the most virgin teens nearby. Hack tried to take advantage of the situation by convincing them that he was a virgin but since he was 74 years old at the time, his scheme ended in humiliating failure.

Mankini

Hack used to have brunch with a degenerate who inspired his novel “The Contiguous Man.” One Sunday, the guy started rhapsodizing about how this style of bathing suit made him irresistible to women, which intrigued Hack enough to sit down and crap out this book on the subject. A week later, Hack and his friend hit the beach in the titular swimwear and they were both fined $1,000 for all the vomit they induced from the beachgoers who saw them.