Category: Celebrity Cameo

The House Dick

Hack came to sexual maturity in an age when hotels still employed house detectives to ensure that couples who stayed under their roofs were married and not just there for Godless hanky panky. Since the vast majority of his sexual activity at the time was with syphilitic prostitutes, he carried a bogus marriage license to display at check-in which would typically result in his being beaten to a pulp in the alley behind the hotel by the house dick. This novel is a remembrance of those golden times.

The Perfect Vacation

When his cover artist Jonny M. went away for a short vacation, Hack was so overcome with jealousy that he hastily wrote this book do that Jonny would be overwhelmed with work the second he got back. Jonny screwed him over by crapping out the cover in half an hour and immediately leaving for a long weekend in Vegas, causing Hack to make another of his many unsuccessful suicide attempts.

The Client was on the Titanic

Hack’s obsession with actress Frances Fisher caused him to watch the film “Titanic” over a hundred times and he became consumed with theory that the door that Rose floated to safety on at the end while Jack froze to death clinging to its side was easily big enough to hold Rose and Jack. While most of Hack’s books top out at about 175-200 pages, this one is over fifteen hundred pages long because it contains Hack’s elaborate theories about why the door couldn’t hold them both.

Innocence Bound

This was one of Hack’s most controversial titles.The city’s mob kingpin has his goons kidnap a senior from a nearby Catholic high school and play cards to see which of the town’s supervillains will take her virginity. Boris gets in the game to save her and just as he is of the verge of winning, he loses the last hand with four aces to the kingpin’s royal flush (Hack doesn’t really understand poker). But just as the kingpin is about to deflower her, Boris takes out a semi-automatic and blows everyone at the table away. It’s a feel-good escapist piece of fluff.

Return of the Monday

Hack’s book “Attack of the Monday” sold so well that he wrote this sequel to try and capitalize on it. Unfortunately, as with no many of his books, he went off on a tangent so that the last two-thirds are a rant about how socialism is actually communism. Fortunately, there were still enough graphic sex scenes that his hardcore fans didn’t seem to mind.

Harem Slave

Hack was devastated at the news of the death of Marilyn Monroe and refused to believe it, insisting that she had chose to leave the high stress world of movie stardom to follow her true calling as a sex slave in a sheik’s harem. This book got enough people to believe the ridiculous theory that he occasionally appears on crackpot radio shows asserting that she is alive and well and still servicing the amir’s son in her mid-90’s, “and doing a damned fine job of it.”

A Death Worse Than Fate

When Nancy Kulp of The Beverly Hillybillies ran as a Democrat for Pennsylvania’s Ninth Congressional District in 1984, she asked costar Buddy Ebsen to support her. But Ebsen, an ultra-conservative Republican, deemed Kulp “too liberal” and went so far as to record a radio commercial for her Republican opponent. The ploy cost Kulp the election and she didn’t speak to Ebsen for several years, although she ultimately made peace with him. Hack, however, considered it a dick move for one friend to pull on another and he never forgave Ebsen, writing this novel to smear his once-beloved reputation.