Category: Dangerous Dames

The Reader

This book was yet another failed attempt on Hack’s part to suck up to his friend Rosanna De Candia by promoting her podcast titled Jersey Reads the Classics. The point of the podcast is that Ms. De Candia, a native of New Jersey, gives humorous readings of classic books. But Hack was drunk out of his mind during the hour and a half he devoted to writing this and cranked out an unreadable mess about a sports pullover that taught an adult literacy course in the slums of Chicago. It sold well in some rural areas because of several graphically described erotic scenes between the jersey and an illiterate, nymphomaniacal laundromat clerk who it teaches to read.

The Spanking Nun

The inspiration of this novel is the six months Hack spent at a Romanian Catholic boarding school when he was 12. The title character is based on an actual nun at the school named Sister Brândusa, who took her students over her knee and brutalized them at the slightest provocation. The real-life Sister Brândusa weighed over 250 lbs. and had a hairy mole covering half her face, so Hack based the fictional version on his super-hot friend Rosanna De Candia. The story is vastly more effective for it.

Dick Pix

Hack became obsessed with sending selfies of his withered genitalia to potential online lovers and wrote this self-indulgent fantasy in which he falls down a rabbit hole made up of a sub-culture of gorgeous women who actually enjoy dick pix. In the novel, they number in the thousands but according to Hack’s years of research on the subject, the real number is actually a hard zero.

Her Private Secretary

Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.

The Frugal Fashionista

One of Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia’s seventeen Instagram profiles is “The Frugal Fashionista” in which she illustrates her ability to dress like a million bucks on a five dollar budget. This novel was yet another failed effort on Hack’s part to try and get into Ms. De Candia’s fashionable pants, which netted him nothing but a major league ass-kicking from her the first time she saw him after reading it.