Dangerous Dames – Page 29

Intensive Care Unit

When Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. suffered a heart attack, his super hot friend Harmony Sanchez visited him in the hospital and screwed his brains out to lift his morale. Hack had been unsuccessfully trying to get in Harmony’s pants for years, so when he found out about it he wrote this bitter novel in which Harmony’s scheme was to kill Jonny off. In truth, her visit to the I.C.U. resulted in Jonny having a second heart attack which infuriated Hack even more when Jonny told him that it was totally worth it.

Four Doors

Hack wrote this at the height of his cocaine addiction in the early 1970s and was consumed with paranoia that everyone he knew was out to kill him. That was an enormous exaggeration, although everyone he knew undoubtedly hated his guts.

The Insane Fan

After receiving countless restraining orders for stalking women throughout his life, Hack had the tables turned on him when “a super hot nutjob” who was obsessed with him and his books came into his life. “The sex was great,” he admitted, “but when she set fire to my van while I was sleeping in it, I had to put an end to it. When I issued a restraining order against her, the guys at Superior Court (who I all knew by their first names because of the restraining order issued against me) thought it was the funniest thing in the world that the tables had turned.”

The Electric Woman from Outer Space

Since Hack lives in a van parked in the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he works as a night janitor, he is forced to shower at a local YMCA. One day to try and speed up his morning routine, he plugged his toaster into a nearby outlet and brought it into the shower so he could watch his Eggo waffles cook. When he regained consciousness, he wrote this story.

Biker Babe

Hack’s fascination with biker chicks is so intense that when he saw a woman on a Harley Davidson riding through the Shakey’s parking lot where he works as a night janitor, he wrote this novel on the spot in about twenty minutes. Over 100 pages of it is devoted to a single scene where she engages in anal sex with the night janitor of a pizza parlor, but still…twenty minutes.

Back to Work

Three co-workers (a man, a woman and a pug) return to work after a three-day weekend to find that their office building has become a jungle infested with terrorist guerilla fighters. (Hack doesn’t have a firm grasp of the realities of working a 9-5 job.)

The Vixen

A gorgeous woman has four men vying for her affection and she determines that she will marry the one who is the most skilled at anal sex. College English professors often use this novel as an ideal representation of Hack’s early writing style.

The Lounge Singer

Hack loosely based this novel on his affair with singer Keely Smith, who dated him briefly after her divorce from Louis Prima. Hack always referred to her as “the one that got away” whereas Ms. Smith would later call Hack “that perverted bastard.”

Amazon Warriors

Hack became obsessed with the idea of Amazon warriors watching the old “Wonder Woman” TV show with Lynda Carter. The producers were going to sue Hack for plagiarism (the novel is a blatant rip-off of the show) but they reached a compromise and loosely based the third season two-part episode “Phantom of the Roller Coaster” on the book instead. The TV version is way better than the book.

Invasion of the Mondays

Hack’s infrequent stabs at the sci-fi genre are surprisingly pretty good. This cover went into more detail than usual because a fan bought the book “Jonny’s Birthday,” the cover of has literally nothing to do with the contents and the guy tried to sue Hack for a billion dollars in damages. They settled on an autographed headshot and one of Hack’s used Kleenex (the guy collected celebrity used Kleenex).

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