Hack got in an argument with his friend Rosanna De Candia which ended in her pummeling the living hell out of him. This turned Hack on more than he could say so he wrote this book from his hospital bed.
Madam Rosie
Category: Dangerous Dames
Her Private Secretary
Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.
The Frugal Fashionista
One of Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia’s seventeen Instagram profiles is “The Frugal Fashionista” in which she illustrates her ability to dress like a million bucks on a five dollar budget. This novel was yet another failed effort on Hack’s part to try and get into Ms. De Candia’s fashionable pants, which netted him nothing but a major league ass-kicking from her the first time she saw him after reading it.
Intensive Care Unit
When Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. suffered a heart attack, his super hot friend Harmony Sanchez visited him in the hospital and screwed his brains out to lift his morale. Hack had been unsuccessfully trying to get in Harmony’s pants for years, so when he found out about it he wrote this bitter novel in which Harmony’s scheme was to kill Jonny off. In truth, her visit to the I.C.U. resulted in Jonny having a second heart attack which infuriated Hack even more when Jonny told him that it was totally worth it.
Four Doors
Hack wrote this at the height of his cocaine addiction in the early 1970s and was consumed with paranoia that everyone he knew was out to kill him. That was an enormous exaggeration, although everyone he knew undoubtedly hated his guts.
The Insane Fan
After receiving countless restraining orders for stalking women throughout his life, Hack had the tables turned on him when “a super hot nutjob” who was obsessed with him and his books came into his life. “The sex was great,” he admitted, “but when she set fire to my van while I was sleeping in it, I had to put an end to it. When I issued a restraining order against her, the guys at Superior Court (who I all knew by their first names because of the restraining order issued against me) thought it was the funniest thing in the world that the tables had turned.”
The Electric Woman from Outer Space
Since Hack lives in a van parked in the Shakey’s Pizza Parlor where he works as a night janitor, he is forced to shower at a local YMCA. One day to try and speed up his morning routine, he plugged his toaster into a nearby outlet and brought it into the shower so he could watch his Eggo waffles cook. When he regained consciousness, he wrote this story.
Biker Babe
Hack’s fascination with biker chicks is so intense that when he saw a woman on a Harley Davidson riding through the Shakey’s parking lot where he works as a night janitor, he wrote this novel on the spot in about twenty minutes. Over 100 pages of it is devoted to a single scene where she engages in anal sex with the night janitor of a pizza parlor, but still…twenty minutes.
Back to Work
Three co-workers (a man, a woman and a pug) return to work after a three-day weekend to find that their office building has become a jungle infested with terrorist guerilla fighters. (Hack doesn’t have a firm grasp of the realities of working a 9-5 job.)
The Vixen
A gorgeous woman has four men vying for her affection and she determines that she will marry the one who is the most skilled at anal sex. College English professors often use this novel as an ideal representation of Hack’s early writing style.