Category: Dangerous Dames

Plotting Pinion’s Peril

Hack based the title character – a mean, semi-illiterate, violently abusive old man who everyone despised – on his own father Vlad, and took obvious delight in constructing scene after scene where the various character try to kill him. The old man finally meets his doom by being beaten to death by a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer in circumstances that eerily mirror Vlad’s actual murder (which has never been solved but which many Hack Werker biographer attribute to Hack himself). Whenever he is asked about this book, Hack merely responds with an enigmatic smile and says “the old bastard got what was coming to him.”

Pug Rescuer

When Hack heard that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris came from a Korean pug rescue, he invented this fanciful story where the rescue was an underground spy organization that sneaked the dogs out of the country because a powerful mob was selling them to a pharmaceutical giant for experimentation.

When that turned out to be exactly what happened, Boris tried to have Hack killed.

The Autobiography of Hack Werker

Hack had been approached to write his autobiography for decades but when he finally got around to it, his brain was so fried from alcohol and drug use that he could barely remember anything about his own life. The first fifty pages are an accurate depiction of his abusive relationship with his father but the rest of the book is accounts of sexual fantasies he’s had of women throughout his life; from major movie stars to supermarket cashiers he glanced at in passing. It became one of his all-time best sellers.

The Virgin Hunters

This is the true story of a group of bored housewives who lived in Hack’s neighborhood and got their kicks by betting on which one could deflower the most virgin teens nearby. Hack tried to take advantage of the situation by convincing them that he was a virgin but since he was 74 years old at the time, his scheme ended in humiliating failure.

The Car Max Killers

Hack’s pal Sara was having a rough time finding a car to buy and when she told Hack about a nightmarish experience she had at a Carmax dealership, he knocked out this fanciful murder mystery based loosely on her trial in which a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer is the killer. Unfortunately, Hack got high of reefer shortly afterward and got so disoriented that he thought the story was true, so he turned himself over to the police. It all got straightened out but not before Hack was raped in the county jail.