Hack wrote this novel in twenty minutes after watching the Jennifer Lopez music video “Booty” 50 times in a row.
A Magnificent Butt
Category: Dangerous Dames
The Reader
This book was yet another failed attempt on Hack’s part to suck up to his friend Rosanna De Candia by promoting her podcast titled Jersey Reads the Classics. The point of the podcast is that Ms. De Candia, a native of New Jersey, gives humorous readings of classic books. But Hack was drunk out of his mind during the hour and a half he devoted to writing this and cranked out an unreadable mess about a sports pullover that taught an adult literacy course in the slums of Chicago. It sold well in some rural areas because of several graphically described erotic scenes between the jersey and an illiterate, nymphomaniacal laundromat clerk who it teaches to read.
The Spanking Nun
The inspiration of this novel is the six months Hack spent at a Romanian Catholic boarding school when he was 12. The title character is based on an actual nun at the school named Sister Brândusa, who took her students over her knee and brutalized them at the slightest provocation. The real-life Sister Brândusa weighed over 250 lbs. and had a hairy mole covering half her face, so Hack based the fictional version on his super-hot friend Rosanna De Candia. The story is vastly more effective for it.
Cult of the Snuffed Pug
Hack wrote this to get revenge on his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris after the dog urinated in his vodka tonic. Boris had the ultimate retribution when he sued Hack for libel and collected a six-figure settlement.
Stone Cold Blonde
When a customer who Hack had a crush on at the Shakey’s where he worked changed her hair from brunette to blonde, he got so excited that he wrote this book in tribute to her. It didn’t have quite the effect he desired, as her boyfriend beat him up so badly that he wound up in traction.
The Traveling Dominatrix
When Hack’s friend world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy was traveling internationally, he dropped acid and hallucinated that the crew of the airplane she was on took over the jet and she had to overpower them with her whip. To this day, Hack thinks that this actually happened.
Maid for Murder
Hack wrote this while staying in a Motel-6 on a book-signing tour and becoming obsessed with one of the cleaning ladies, only to have her steal his van while he was trying to seduce her. Hack was philosophical about the rejection and still corresponds with the woman during her prison term.
Dick Pix
Hack became obsessed with sending selfies of his withered genitalia to potential online lovers and wrote this self-indulgent fantasy in which he falls down a rabbit hole made up of a sub-culture of gorgeous women who actually enjoy dick pix. In the novel, they number in the thousands but according to Hack’s years of research on the subject, the real number is actually a hard zero.
Madam Rosie
Hack got in an argument with his friend Rosanna De Candia which ended in her pummeling the living hell out of him. This turned Hack on more than he could say so he wrote this book from his hospital bed.
Her Private Secretary
Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.