Category: Dangerous Dudes

Terrible Shots/The Man No Woman Could Resist

“The Man No Woman Could Resist” was one of the hundreds of short stories Hack wrote about seducing pop legend Linda Ronstadt. In it, the superstar singer stalks a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction novels until she shows up unannounced one night at his penthouse apartment for a night of violent anal sex. He wrote it while defending himself a restraining order placed against him by a 55 year-old singing waitress who he kept badgering to join him in the van that he lives in for a night of violent anal sex.

The Giant Killers

This was Hack’s first attempt at a children’s book. He didn’t understand the format at all and peppered it with scenes of anal sex (the ones with the giant violating the normal-sized women he holds captive are especially disturbing). It was a disaster as a kids’ book but Hustler Magazine named it one of their 10 best novels of the year.

Innocence Bound

This was one of Hack’s most controversial titles.The city’s mob kingpin has his goons kidnap a senior from a nearby Catholic high school and play cards to see which of the town’s supervillains will take her virginity. Boris gets in the game to save her and just as he is of the verge of winning, he loses the last hand with four aces to the kingpin’s royal flush (Hack doesn’t really understand poker). But just as the kingpin is about to deflower her, Boris takes out a semi-automatic and blows everyone at the table away. It’s a feel-good escapist piece of fluff.

The Diner of Death

Hack used to go to a diner where he would stare at a beautiful woman eating her breakfast with such intensity that she became unnerved and was certain that he wanted to kill her. Hack became so offended that he actually did devise a plot to kill her but it got derailed when he found out that her boyfriend was devising a plot to kill him. Long story short, Hack switched to Denny’s but wrote this book about the experience.

Jonny M: The Unauthorized Biography

Hack was adamantly against having to write this biography of his cover artist Jonny M. but he had signed an iron-clad contract so there was nothing he could do about it. This is one of the very few books that he actually did research for in the hopes of finding dirt on Jonny that would destroy him in the public eye but he only uncovered story after story that revealed him to be a selfless hero, and absolute catnip to the ladies. Hack was nothing short of furious at the book’s worldwide success and when he won the Pulitzer Prize for Biography for it, he used the medallion as a beer coaster.

A Death Worse Than Fate

When Nancy Kulp of The Beverly Hillybillies ran as a Democrat for Pennsylvania’s Ninth Congressional District in 1984, she asked costar Buddy Ebsen to support her. But Ebsen, an ultra-conservative Republican, deemed Kulp “too liberal” and went so far as to record a radio commercial for her Republican opponent. The ploy cost Kulp the election and she didn’t speak to Ebsen for several years, although she ultimately made peace with him. Hack, however, considered it a dick move for one friend to pull on another and he never forgave Ebsen, writing this novel to smear his once-beloved reputation.