The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This is a horror story where a pretty but sadistic blonde who delights in shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July in order to terrorize the animals in the neighborhood. The pets then band together to anally violate her and then feed on her flesh as a warning that anyone who shoots off fireworks without giving a thought that they’re scaring all the animals within hearing distance is a total a-hole.
Hack didn’t learn his lesson from his earlier novel “Mother’s Day” in this misguided sequel, which the court once again found in favor of ABC in its astonishing similarity to the series The Brady Bunch despite Hack’s continued insistence that he has never seen an episode of the show. He was forced to flee to South America and spent a year in hiding as a mercenary in Venezuela before the scandal blew over and he was able to return to the United States.
A demented serial killer shows up at a Memorial Day barbeque and proceeds to murder everyone in attendance. Hack wrote this after going to a similar function at the home of his publisher John Kane and violently attacking his host after being told that they only had turkey burgers.
This story of an suburban housewife and mother who satisfies her obsession with anal sex once a year by hiring a notorious gigolo turned out to be a phenomenal success with Hack’s core readership of sex-starved perverts in Bible Belt states. Regrettably, he was sued by ABC for ripping off The Brady Bunch (a show he had never heard of). Hack had to sell one of his kidneys to pay off his legal fees.
Much like Santa Claus, Hack not only firmly believes in the Easter Bunny but he’s been trying for decades to kill it. “Those two are opposite sides of the same goddamned coin,” Hack once said to no one in particular. “One gives presents to good boys and girls on Christmas. The other gives eggs to…well, I don’t know who is supposed to get the eggs but I know damned well that it never gave one to me. And no one loves eggs more than I do. So that dirty rodent is going to pay!”
Hack’s second wife enjoyed nothing more than playing sadistic tricks on him, and April Fool’s Day was her favorite day of the year. “Her goal was to make my life a living hell on April 1st,” he recounted, “so I paid her back by making her life a living hell the rest of the time. At least that’s what she said in the divorce papers. I don’t really remember because when that bucket of water crashed on my head, it gave me a concussion and I suffered some dain bramage. I haven’t remembered things so goodly ever since it refrigerator.”
This was one of Hack’s infrequent attempts at a conventional romantic love story. As usual, he lost interest halfway through so the last 100 pages are just an angry rant against his abusive father.
This was based on the time Hack visited hiss friends Lacie and Robin on Valentine’s Day. He somehow never realized that they were in a committed lesbian marriage and thought that they wanted him for a three-way. This is that humiliating story.
This was based on a strange story his cover artist Jonny M. told Hack about a beautiful woman who couldn’t decide between Jonny and his pug Boris. She ultimately picked Boris but Boris rejected her because after all, he’s a freaking dog.
A gorgeous woman starts her year off by having sex with the most disgusting pervert on the face of the earth. It all goes downhill from there.