Category: Holidays

Labor Day Seduction

When filmmaker Gary Marshall directed a series of romantic comedies with holiday themes like “Valentine’s Day,” “New Year’s Eve” and “Mother’s Day,” Hack wrote a spec script titled “Labor Day” and sent it to Mr. Marshall’s office. They passed on the project, objecting to the grimmer aspects of the story where a woman invites a man to a holiday barbeque and then locks him in her basement BDSM dungeon, subjecting him to various genital tortures until he admits his love for him. Hack refashioned the story into this novel about young love although he admitted that he didn’t consider it his best work, saying that it was “too sappy.”

The Rocket’s Red Scare

This is a horror story where a pretty but sadistic blonde who delights in shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July in order to terrorize the animals in the neighborhood. The pets then band together to anally violate her and then feed on her flesh as a warning that anyone who shoots off fireworks without giving a thought that they’re scaring all the animals within hearing distance is a total a-hole.

Father’s Day

Hack didn’t learn his lesson from his earlier novel “Mother’s Day” in this misguided sequel, which the court once again found in favor of ABC in its astonishing similarity to the series The Brady Bunch despite Hack’s continued insistence that he has never seen an episode of the show. He was forced to flee to South America and spent a year in hiding as a mercenary in Venezuela before the scandal blew over and he was able to return to the United States.

Mother’s Day

This story of an suburban housewife and mother who satisfies her obsession with anal sex once a year by hiring a notorious gigolo turned out to be a phenomenal success with Hack’s core readership of sex-starved perverts in Bible Belt states. Regrettably, he was sued by ABC for ripping off The Brady Bunch (a show he had never heard of). Hack had to sell one of his kidneys to pay off his legal fees.

The Bunny Killer

Much like Santa Claus, Hack not only firmly believes in the Easter Bunny but he’s been trying for decades to kill it. “Those two are opposite sides of the same goddamned coin,” Hack once said to no one in particular. “One gives presents to good boys and girls on Christmas. The other gives eggs to…well, I don’t know who is supposed to get the eggs but I know damned well that it never gave one to me. And no one loves eggs more than I do. So that dirty rodent is going to pay!”

April Fool

Hack’s second wife enjoyed nothing more than playing sadistic tricks on him, and April Fool’s Day was her favorite day of the year. “Her goal was to make my life a living hell on April 1st,” he recounted, “so I paid her back by making her life a living hell the rest of the time. At least that’s what she said in the divorce papers. I don’t really remember because when that bucket of water crashed on my head, it gave me a concussion and I suffered some dain bramage. I haven’t remembered things so goodly ever since it refrigerator.”

Forbidden Valentine

This was based on the time Hack visited hiss friends Lacie and Robin on Valentine’s Day. He somehow never realized that they were in a committed lesbian marriage and thought that they wanted him for a three-way. This is that humiliating story.