Too Studly to Die

Hack’s jealousy over his cover artist Jonny M.’s success with women ultimately consumed him so deeply that he made several unsuccessful murder attempts on Jonny. They were such failures that not only did Hack usually injure himself trying to pull them off but Jonny was inevitably unaware that they had even been attempted. Hack ultimately concluded that Jonny was immortal even though the reality was that Hack was just a colossal fuck-up. Anyway, he wrote this book as an act of contrition.

The Tall Fiddler

This Jonny M. adventure was based on the exploits of Jonny’s buddy James “Tree” Cleveland, an accomplished fiddler whose serenades to the ladies got him more poon tang than Hack got in his wildest dreams.Hack got so excited after finishing it that he took his kazoo to a nearby girl’s Catholic school and played old Tony Bennett songs on the physical education field until he was dragged off by police.

Van Nuys Nights

Hack spent a night at his cover artist Jonny’s M.’s palatial Casa de Jonny estate in Van Nuys, California and was so impressed by the unending stream of gorgeous women who came to visit that he was convinced that Van Nuys was the erotic center of the universe. Jonny never had the heart to tell Hack that the women were there because he ran a porn studio out of his garage, so Hack maintains that opinion to this day.

The Vegeance of Madam Rosie

This is Hack’s final book about the stern and passionate Madam Rosie. His friend Rosanna De Candia told him that she’d “slice him from neck to nuts” if he completed it, so the story stops abruptly on page 78 and the rest is filled out by a short story Hack wrote in 1959 about cross-dressers in the US Coast Guard. Strangely, no one seemed to notice.

Transport of the Sex Slaves

Gorgeous prostitutes start vanishing from the city, interesting no one but the hero (who Hack had such little interest in as a character that he didn’t even give him a name) and his faithful dog. It turns out the prostitutes are being kept in a barge that will transport them to the private island of the evil warlord Vlad Werkowski (Hack’s father’s real name) where they will live out their lives as sex slaves. The prostitutes bide their time in the ship’s hull having lesbian sex until the tide turns so that they can begin their journey but just as it does, the hero and his dog creep onboard to beat the living daylights out of the crew and release the girls. The prostitutes thank him with a massive orgy.

It’s not as good as it sounds.