The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack had long wanted to write a rip-off of Mario Puzo’s “The Godfather” but could never think of a character as terrifying as Vito Corleone until he encountered his cover artist’s Jonny M.’ pug Boris. He had this novel completed two hours after first meeting the pug.
The first book that prompted Hack to be a writer was Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon.” This is an unapologetic rip-off of the original with the detective Sam Spade renamed Claude Club. It’s a virtual line-by-line knockoff of the Hammett book save that the titular falcon was now a pug and the detective now had an insatiable desire for anal sex. Few critics noticed the similarities between the books and the ones who did said that Hack’s version was superior.
Because of his obsession with Frances Fisher, Hack has written many sequels to her movies. This is one of the better ones in which Strawberry Alice, the stern brothel madam in “Unforgiven,” hooks up with a dashing outlaw and his loyal pug.
Hack begged his producer John Kane for years to let him appear in the cheap porn flicks shot in Kane’s Van Nuys garage, but the most Kane would ever do is let Hack work the clap board before takes and occasionally serve as a fluffer. He turned those experiences into this highly fanciful novel in which a Catholic schoolgirl starts at the bottom of the porn industry and cuts a ruthless path to becoming the biggest star in the business. The character of Bruno Rathburn, the fabulously successful porn star whose genitals are so huge that any actress who performs in a sex scene with him runs the risk of being cut in half, was clearly based on Hack himself. He later admitted in interviews that being a porn star was his dream life and he deeply resented Kane for not allowing him to live it.
Everyone told Hack that the Nazis came into power in 1933 and the Titanic sunk in 1912, but he was so obsessed with “Titanic” star Frances Fisher that he didn’t listen and wrote the book in a few hours. It’s a spirited read.
Hack based this novel on an experience his cover artist Jonny M. And his pug Boris had when they stopped at Barstow for gas during a road trip and were seduced by a trio of sex-starved beauties. As soon as he completed the book, Hack made another of his many failed suicide attempts by sticking his head in the pizza oven of the Shakey’s restaurant where he works as a janitor. Since it was an electric oven, he realized after about three hours that it wouldn’t put him out of his misery and he went back to cleaning toilets.
Hack binged the sitcom “The Office” one weekend and fell in love with star Jenna Fischer as a result. This was the unfortunate result.
Hack was coy about his obsession with actress Lynda Carter when he wrote “The Amazon Warriors” that was influenced by her “Wonder Woman” TV series. In this book, she’s actually the lead character although Hack doesn’t seem to comprehend that the actress and her Wonder Woman character aren’t one and the same and has Ms. Carter actually doing battle with Donald Trump and kicking his pudgy orange ass in the process.
Hack was a huge fan of the TV sitcom “Yes, Dear” and fell madly in love with the character Kim Warner. He ultimately became obsessed that Greg Warner, her husband on the show, wasn’t worthy of her and he wrote this novel in an attempt to win Kim Warner’s heart. When he received a letter from network attorneys explaining that Kim Warner was a fictional character and that Jeanne Louisa Kelly (the actress who played her) was happily married in real life to a different man, Hack had a nervous breakdown and was hospitalized for six months.
Actress Jenny Agutter fell onto Hack’s radar after he watched a single scene from the sci-fi “Logan’s Run.”
It seems that Logan (played by Michael York) and his scantily-clad girlfriend Jessica (Ms. Agutter) have been on their eponymous run for a while when they inexplicably happen across some animal furs in an icey cave. Jessica suggests they put them on but Logan, being a red-blooded dude, insists that they take their wet clothes off first “before they freeze on us.” Because this is a movie, that means that Logan just has to take off his shirt while Jessica removes every stitch before wrapping herself in the Wookie skin (or whatever kind of animal they have in the world of the movie). Her nudity was totally exploitative and, from Hack’s twisted perspective, totally mind-blowing. He immediately ran out of the theater and wrote this novelization, which is nothing more than an extended sexual fantasy where a Hack Werker-like character leaps into the scene and performs unspeakable perversions with Ms. Agutter.
Although not a success in its first printing, it sells well today at science fiction conventions.