Category: Movies and Television

The House Dick

Hack came to sexual maturity in an age when hotels still employed house detectives to ensure that couples who stayed under their roofs were married and not just there for Godless hanky panky. Since the vast majority of his sexual activity at the time was with syphilitic prostitutes, he carried a bogus marriage license to display at check-in which would typically result in his being beaten to a pulp in the alley behind the hotel by the house dick. This novel is a remembrance of those golden times.

The Client was on the Titanic

Hack’s obsession with actress Frances Fisher caused him to watch the film “Titanic” over a hundred times and he became consumed with theory that the door that Rose floated to safety on at the end while Jack froze to death clinging to its side was easily big enough to hold Rose and Jack. While most of Hack’s books top out at about 175-200 pages, this one is over fifteen hundred pages long because it contains Hack’s elaborate theories about why the door couldn’t hold them both.

Father’s Day

Hack didn’t learn his lesson from his earlier novel “Mother’s Day” in this misguided sequel, which the court once again found in favor of ABC in its astonishing similarity to the series The Brady Bunch despite Hack’s continued insistence that he has never seen an episode of the show. He was forced to flee to South America and spent a year in hiding as a mercenary in Venezuela before the scandal blew over and he was able to return to the United States.

A Death Worse Than Fate

When Nancy Kulp of The Beverly Hillybillies ran as a Democrat for Pennsylvania’s Ninth Congressional District in 1984, she asked costar Buddy Ebsen to support her. But Ebsen, an ultra-conservative Republican, deemed Kulp “too liberal” and went so far as to record a radio commercial for her Republican opponent. The ploy cost Kulp the election and she didn’t speak to Ebsen for several years, although she ultimately made peace with him. Hack, however, considered it a dick move for one friend to pull on another and he never forgave Ebsen, writing this novel to smear his once-beloved reputation.

Mother’s Day

This story of an suburban housewife and mother who satisfies her obsession with anal sex once a year by hiring a notorious gigolo turned out to be a phenomenal success with Hack’s core readership of sex-starved perverts in Bible Belt states. Regrettably, he was sued by ABC for ripping off The Brady Bunch (a show he had never heard of). Hack had to sell one of his kidneys to pay off his legal fees.

Titanic II: Ruth’s Story

This was one of Hack’s many attempts to impress “Titanic” star Frances Fisher. As soon as it hit the shelves, his publisher John Kane was inundated with cease-and-desist orders and had to pull all copies from circulation. Undaunted, Hack got Ms. Fisher’s address from a “map of the star’s homes” and had a copy delivered to her. Regrettably, the map was woefully inaccurate and it wound up at the house of a plumber is Los Feliz, but he reported enjoyed the book thoroughly.

National Emergency

Hack had an intense crush on MSNBC news commentator Rachel Maddow and wrote the novel about her. In real life, Ms. Maddow is a happily married lesbian but Hack depicted her in the book as a heterosexual nymphomaniac who made a sex slave of a Hack Werker-like writer of pulp fiction and was obsessed with anal sex. But for those details, it was pretty true to life.

The Carnal Candidate

Hack was contracted to write a teen-focused novelization of the hit TV series The Partridge Family to make a few quick exploitation bucks for the network. Only about a thousand were shipped out before someone noticed that he actually came up with a hardcore piece of smut about the singing clan’s oldest daughter Laurie’s sordid affair with a late middle-aged crooked politician. Considered a collector’s item today, it’s a surprisingly good book except for the forty pages or so where Hack inexplicably moves the story to a swamp in Louisiana so that the illicit lovers can have an anal sex marathon in the politician’s secret BDSM cabin.