One of the countless celebrities Hack is obsessed with is Twitter influencer Lisa Glass. He wrote this to try and impress her but its publication led instead to her filing a restraining order, as usual.
Love Trumps Hate
Category: Political
The Tall Fiddler
This Jonny M. adventure was based on the exploits of Jonny’s buddy James “Tree” Cleveland, an accomplished fiddler whose serenades to the ladies got him more poon tang than Hack got in his wildest dreams.Hack got so excited after finishing it that he took his kazoo to a nearby girl’s Catholic school and played old Tony Bennett songs on the physical education field until he was dragged off by police.
The Grotesque Orange Freak
Of all the things Hack despises about President Trump, the one that he finds the most mystifying is the commander in chief’s alleged love of the Golden Shower. “I’ve been peed on more times than I can count,” said Hack in an interview with The Christian Science Monitor, “usually after having the snot beat out of me in a bar fight. Believe me, there’s nothing hot about it.” When Hack heard about Trump’s alleged fetish, he adapted a short story he had written in 1958 about an enormous retarded green slime monster who took over the planet. Its downfall was it’s fetish for being urinated on, which melted its leathery skin into dust.
“I really just had to change the color of the thing,” said Hack while accepting a National Book Award for his effort, “and it was about Trump.”
MAGA Thanksgiving
When Hack was invited to Thanksgiving by a woman he was desperately hitting on, he discovered that everyone in her family were pro-Trump freaks. After listening to their psychotic babble for a few hours, he finally snuck out the bathroom window with the turkey stuffed inside his hoodie.
The Ballot Box
This is a surprisingly powerful statement about government complacency over gun violence in the United States. Hack was stunned to learned that it was a finalist for the Pulitzer Prize for fiction but came short in the voting because of all the anal sex scenes.
Wonder Woman vs. the Fascist Morons
Hack was coy about his obsession with actress Lynda Carter when he wrote “The Amazon Warriors” that was influenced by her “Wonder Woman” TV series. In this book, she’s actually the lead character although Hack doesn’t seem to comprehend that the actress and her Wonder Woman character aren’t one and the same and has Ms. Carter actually doing battle with Donald Trump and kicking his pudgy orange ass in the process.
The Flame Warrior
Hack is a close follower of pinko political pundit Lisa Glass’ Twitter feed and wrote this novel in an attempt to suck up to her. It resulted (as such moves always do for Hack) with her issuing a restraining order against him.
The Battle of Yorktown Airport
When the USA’s perennially embarrassing president Donald J. Trump proclaimed on the 4th of July that “our (Revolutionary War) army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare, it had nothing but victory” Hack knocked out this historical novel about the battle. Every critic who reviewed the book mocked it mercifully for its ridiculous historical inaccuracies but it sold well in Kentucky and Arkansas.
Train of Death
Two dashing soldiers of fortune and a sexy femme fatale try to keep the train that carries Donald J. Trump to his inauguration from reaching its destination. They ultimately fail to achieve their goal but they have a lot of weird sex while they’re giving it a shot.
Plan 45 from Outer Space
This is a really excellent sci-fi novel where two heroes come from the future to stop Donald Trump from destroying the planet. Hack was stoned out of his mind on reefer when he wrote it so he has no memory of it but he loves reading it. When he first finished it, he proclaimed “I have no idea who wrote this but I think he’s the greatest writer who ever lived!”