The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
Hack’s output was so great by 1970 (often finishing a dozen novels a week) that his publisher John Kane suggested that he write under a pseudoym for the “romance novel” division of his company, Pierrot Romances. Hack wrote 17 titles under the pen name “Helen Bedd” until Kane finally determined that there was no market amongst his female readership for Hack’s angry depiction of anal sex.
Hack became obsessed with the idea of Amazon warriors watching the old “Wonder Woman” TV show with Lynda Carter. The producers were going to sue Hack for plagiarism (the novel is a blatant rip-off of the show) but they reached a compromise and loosely based the third season two-part episode “Phantom of the Roller Coaster” on the book instead. The TV version is way better than the book.
Hack went through many phases where he thought that playing a musical instrument would make him irresistible to women. The concertina era was probably the most disastrous where he would confront random women frantically pumping the bellows (which he had no concept of how to actually play) and then proposition them sexually, inevitably receiving a brutal beating from their male companions or from the women themselves (often both). He wrote this highly idealized novelization of the experiment in which the fictional version of himself was infinitely more successful with the ladies than he was in real life.
Hack openly despises his cover artist Jonny M.’ pug Boris, who he got from a pug rescue in Korea. When Hack heard that, he penned this fanciful tale of how Boris had to leave South Korea because he was wanted by the Korean Mafia. The book turned out to be pretty accurate.
This is a horror story where a pretty but sadistic blonde who delights in shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July in order to terrorize the animals in the neighborhood. The pets then band together to anally violate her and then feed on her flesh as a warning that anyone who shoots off fireworks without giving a thought that they’re scaring all the animals within hearing distance is a total a-hole.
Hack grudgingly allowed his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris to sit in on a poker game he was hosting and Boris cleaned him out for over $10,000. Hack wrote this book as a means of squaring the debt.
When his cover artist Jonny M. decided to fuck with Hack by telling him that there was a white slaver ringer that worked out of his home town of Van Nuys, California and they sold young women into the underground sex market. Hack immediately took this outlandish tale as gospel and cranked out this “all true story” without so much as checking any other source. Only after the book came out did he actually try to procure a sex slave from the mob but when he approached the dicey character he thought was in charge, he wound up being talked into buying a timeshare in Boca Raton.
When Hack heard that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris came from a Korean pug rescue, he invented this fanciful story where the rescue was an underground spy organization that sneaked the dogs out of the country because a powerful mob was selling them to a pharmaceutical giant for experimentation.
When that turned out to be exactly what happened, Boris tried to have Hack killed.
This was based on a strange story his cover artist Jonny M. told Hack about a beautiful woman who couldn’t decide between Jonny and his pug Boris. She ultimately picked Boris but Boris rejected her because after all, he’s a freaking dog.
Hack tried taking LSD only once in his life and this book is a chronicle of everything he saw when he was high on it. After the novel came out, Hack’s pusher admitted that the LSD was just a Tic Tac that he sold to him for ten dollars, adding “that guy is so crazy that I’ve seen him be trippin’ after watching an episode of ‘Breaking Bad.'”