The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
After the success of “The Maltese Pug,” Hack felt confident to return to the detective genre started by his heroes like Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler. He felt that the only element missing from their masterpieces to make them perfect was numerous depictions of graphic anal sex, which this book did its best to make up for.
The first book that prompted Hack to be a writer was Dashiell Hammett’s “The Maltese Falcon.” This is an unapologetic rip-off of the original with the detective Sam Spade renamed Claude Club. It’s a virtual line-by-line knockoff of the Hammett book save that the titular falcon was now a pug and the detective now had an insatiable desire for anal sex. Few critics noticed the similarities between the books and the ones who did said that Hack’s version was superior.
Hack wrote this after being especially irritated by his cover artist Jonny M. and telling his friend world famous dominatrix Snow Mercy about it. When she told Hack how she would have handled Jonny’s obnoxious arrogance, he based this novel on it.
Hack was under the impression that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris was addicted to reefer for some reason, so he wrote this book as an intervention. When Boris took a dump on the book, Hack was so upset that he spent the next week high on reefer.
Hack was inspired to write this book after he was being threatened by some young thugs in the Shakey’s parking lot where the van he lives in is parked, and his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris scared them off by peeing on their shoes. When Hack leaned over to pet the little dog in gratitude, Boris peed on his shoes.
Hack wrote this book after a young woman he was trying to hit on assumed that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris was actually Hack’s son because of their uncanny resemblance.
Hack wrote this to get revenge on his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris after the dog urinated in his vodka tonic. Boris had the ultimate retribution when he sued Hack for libel and collected a six-figure settlement.
This book was the result of Hack getting hammered and watching a bunch of Dudley Doo-Right cartoons with his cover artist Jonny M and his pug Boris. There’s a very disturbing sex scene between Boris and a Canadian moose who describes himself as a “power bottom.”
Hack wrote this after he took his van to get gas with his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug as a passenger. While he was filling up, he attempted to hit on a gorgeous woman at the next pump but she was only interested in playing with Boris. Hack tried to make Boris walk home after that but the gorgeous woman gave him a lift and no one knows what happened after that.
Hack used to have brunch with a group of pathetic degenerates, one of whom fancied himself as having a remarkable way with words. One day while the yahoo was holding court, he used the word “contiguous” in conversation, which Hack admitted that he didn’t know the meaning of. When the dolt offered a condescending definition, Hack went home to look up the word and discovered to his delight that the idiot was completely wrong about what it meant. Hack was so thrilled about catching his nemesis in the mistake that he spent that night writing this murder mystery to immortalize it, a copy of which he slipped in the idiot’s coffin when he died of a brain hemorrhage three years later.