The website of the greatest pulp fiction writer who ever lived
This is a horror story where a pretty but sadistic blonde who delights in shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July in order to terrorize the animals in the neighborhood. The pets then band together to anally violate her and then feed on her flesh as a warning that anyone who shoots off fireworks without giving a thought that they’re scaring all the animals within hearing distance is a total a-hole.
Hack grudgingly allowed his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris to sit in on a poker game he was hosting and Boris cleaned him out for over $10,000. Hack wrote this book as a means of squaring the debt.
When his cover artist Jonny M. decided to fuck with Hack by telling him that there was a white slaver ringer that worked out of his home town of Van Nuys, California and they sold young women into the underground sex market. Hack immediately took this outlandish tale as gospel and cranked out this “all true story” without so much as checking any other source. Only after the book came out did he actually try to procure a sex slave from the mob but when he approached the dicey character he thought was in charge, he wound up being talked into buying a timeshare in Boca Raton.
When Hack heard that his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris came from a Korean pug rescue, he invented this fanciful story where the rescue was an underground spy organization that sneaked the dogs out of the country because a powerful mob was selling them to a pharmaceutical giant for experimentation.
When that turned out to be exactly what happened, Boris tried to have Hack killed.
This was based on a strange story his cover artist Jonny M. told Hack about a beautiful woman who couldn’t decide between Jonny and his pug Boris. She ultimately picked Boris but Boris rejected her because after all, he’s a freaking dog.
Hack tried taking LSD only once in his life and this book is a chronicle of everything he saw when he was high on it. After the novel came out, Hack’s pusher admitted that the LSD was just a Tic Tac that he sold to him for ten dollars, adding “that guy is so crazy that I’ve seen him be trippin’ after watching an episode of ‘Breaking Bad.'”
When his cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Boris beat the living hell out of Hack for being disrespectful to his master, Hack sat down and wrote this novelization of the Quentin Tarantino film “Reservoir Dogs” with a Boris-like pug as Harvey Keitel’s character Mr. Blonde. Tarantino was going to sue but he reportedly found the whole thing so goddamned hilarious that he let it go in exchange for Hack playing the role of a Hack Werker-like pulp fiction writer in his film “Pulp Fiction,” which ultimately wound up on the cutting room floor.
When his cover artist Jonny M.’s beloved pug Winston died and Jonny got another pug named Boris, Hack was delighted because he secretly hated Winston. To get Boris on his side from the start, Hack wrote this patronizing saga depicting the young pug as a super power who always fought for the side of right. The book turned out to be prescient because Boris saw through Hack’s bullshit immediately. Hack, in turn, grew to hate Boris even more than he hated Winston.
After the failure of “Junior Ranger and the Heart of Darkness,” the popularity of the Junior Ranger books seemed to be waning. In a bold move, publisher John Kane made a deal with cover artist Jonny M.’s pug Winston to appear as a character in an attempt to give the series a shot in the arm.Hack was bitter about the move because he hated Winston but his contract with Kane gave him no choice, so he wrote the book as ordered. It restored the Junior Ranger books’s readership as hoped, but Hack was livid when he learned that Winston’s contract mandated that the pug make far more money from the publication than Hack did.
Hack was still trying to suck up to the disciples of his cover artist Jonny M.’s late pug Winston with this volume, which had Winston coming back from doggie heaven to make his master sexually irresistible to the ladies. The Winstonites, who castrated themselves to be more like their neutered leader, were unimpressed but Jonny M. himself thought it ranked among Hack’s best books.