Silent But Deadly

Hack had been wanting to kill off the Jonny character like Conan Doyle did with Sherlock Holmes so he wrote this “locked room mystery” where Boris is force-fed beans until Jonny is asphyxiated by the pug’s flatulence. Unfortunately for Hack, his plot leaked while he was writing the thing and his fans were so outraged that (like Conan Doyle) he had to bring back his creation and Jonny was reanimated in the final chapter by hooking his scrotum up to a car battery and shocking his balls until he was alive again.

The African Jack

Hack was watching the Humphrey Bogart/Katharine Hepburn classic The African Queen this weekend and, while he liked it well enough, he thought it could have been greatly improved by the inclusion of several graphic sex scenes (rare for 1951 major studio releases). When he learned that today was Ms. Hepburn’s birthday, he decided to right the wrong by rewriting the story to his perverse specifications (making just enough changes to avoid yet another plagiarism suit).

I hate to admit it, but it’s a lot better than the original.

Jonny & Boris Meet Columbo

Like everyone, Hack loves the old Peter Falk mystery series Columbo. But also like everybody, he couldn’t help but notice that the titular police detective solved his cases on the most slender of evidence that not only wouldn’t hold up in court; it likely wouldn’t have made it to trial. Especially since his suspects were all super-rich glitterati who could afford the finest in defense attorneys.

But the show was always fun, so we forgave it its sins. Hack’s work, by contrast, is never fun so Columbo’s methods run into a brick wall of reality and by the book’s end, he’s been kicked off the force and is serving time for violation of his defendants’ civil rights.