Hack got in an argument with his friend Rosanna De Candia which ended in her pummeling the living hell out of him. This turned Hack on more than he could say so he wrote this book from his hospital bed.
Madam Rosie
The Starlet
Hack begged his producer John Kane for years to let him appear in the cheap porn flicks shot in Kane’s Van Nuys garage, but the most Kane would ever do is let Hack work the clap board before takes and occasionally serve as a fluffer. He turned those experiences into this highly fanciful novel in which a Catholic schoolgirl starts at the bottom of the porn industry and cuts a ruthless path to becoming the biggest star in the business. The character of Bruno Rathburn, the fabulously successful porn star whose genitals are so huge that any actress who performs in a sex scene with him runs the risk of being cut in half, was clearly based on Hack himself. He later admitted in interviews that being a porn star was his dream life and he deeply resented Kane for not allowing him to live it.
Her Private Secretary
Before he took the job as night janitor at Shakey’s Pizza Parlour that he held for over fifty years, Hack briefly made ends meet as an errand boy at a corporate headquarters where he claimed that he was passed around by the female executives as a sex toy. The story breaks down when you realize that he was there in 1960 where there were no such thing as female executives but Hack tended to get violent if challenged on the subject, so it’s best to just let it go. Anyway, Hack claims that this book is based on his experiences there.
Hunk for Hire
The story of a high-end gigolo. Hack swears that this is based on his actual experiences in the trade but records show that he was recovering from a penile fracture he suffered in a bar fight during the period it takes place, so his claims are dubious.
The Contiguous Man
Hack used to have brunch with a group of pathetic degenerates, one of whom fancied himself as having a remarkable way with words. One day while the yahoo was holding court, he used the word “contiguous” in conversation, which Hack admitted that he didn’t know the meaning of. When the dolt offered a condescending definition, Hack went home to look up the word and discovered to his delight that the idiot was completely wrong about what it meant. Hack was so thrilled about catching his nemesis in the mistake that he spent that night writing this murder mystery to immortalize it, a copy of which he slipped in the idiot’s coffin when he died of a brain hemorrhage three years later.
Rent Boy
The story of the downfall of a young gay prostitute. Hack claims that it is total fiction but refuses to explain why he has the main character’s name tattooed on his taint.
The Frugal Fashionista
One of Hack’s friend Rosanna De Candia’s seventeen Instagram profiles is “The Frugal Fashionista” in which she illustrates her ability to dress like a million bucks on a five dollar budget. This novel was yet another failed effort on Hack’s part to try and get into Ms. De Candia’s fashionable pants, which netted him nothing but a major league ass-kicking from her the first time she saw him after reading it.
Rock Stars
This was inspired by an evening when Hack’s cover artist Jonny M. and his pug Boris went to a karaoke bar and the women in the audience stormed the stage and sexually ravaged them after they performed a duet of the Paul McCartney/Michael Jackson hit “The Dog-Gone Girl is Mine.”
Operation Ruth
Everyone told Hack that the Nazis came into power in 1933 and the Titanic sunk in 1912, but he was so obsessed with “Titanic” star Frances Fisher that he didn’t listen and wrote the book in a few hours. It’s a spirited read.
The Influencer
Hack wrote this book to suck up to actress Mara Marini, who he became obsessed with after seeing her play porn star Brandi Maxx in the NBS sitcom “Park & Recreation.” Ms. Marini placed a restraining order on him and got a court order to have all copies burned. The few remaining editions now sell on eBay for about $500.