Pilot Season

Hack’s favorite actor is “Third Rock from the Sun” star French Stewart and when he heard two actors having a discussion about “Pilot Season” (the period when the networks cast and shoot the test episodes for series that they’re thinking of producing) while lunching at the Shakey’s where he works, he excitedly wrote this lurid mystery. He sent it to Stewart’s manager and to his delight, the star was was interested in developing it into a film for him to star in, but Stewart ultimately dropped out and the project went into turnaround. The book finally reached the screen (in a heavily altered version) as the Kristen Bell rom-com “When in Rome.”

Death at the Door

One of Hack’s lamest novels whose only remarkable feature is that he had forgotten he’d published it so a few years later, he republished it under the title “Terror Behind the Door.” They were essentially the same novel except that in the original, the stranger trying to break in was a deranged murderer who had escaped from a nearby insane asylum whereas in the rewrite, he was a pizza delivery guy.

Glass of Stanford

When the scandal about wealthy celebrities lying about their kids’ extracurricular activities in order to get them into good colleges broke, Hack did some digging and learned that his favorite Twitter pundit Lisa Glass was a Stanford graduate (since since we’re talking about Hack Werker here, “digging” meant that he read it in her Twitter bio). He decided no one that hot could get into a school like that based on academic merit so he wrote this novel which is pretty accurately summed up on the cover. Glass sued and while it turned out that her academic record was outstanding, the judge decided that she was too hot to have gone to an Ivy League school and dismissed the case.

Mind Slaves

Along with virgins being deflowered with anal sex, Hack’s most revisited theme is “she would do ANYTHING for him…including MURDER!” This novel is a standard Hack Werker treatment on the topic with a surprise plot twist that the two women are virgins who get deflowered with anal sex.

The Morning After

This is based on yet another of Hack’s revenge scams that backfired on him. He made a list of everyone who had wronged him and then made a plan to have sex with all of them only to watch their horrified faces the next morning after they realized what they’d done. But the first person that he tried it with passed along a rare STD that caused his penis to shrink to microscopic size, where it remains to this day.

Professor Morlock and the Zombie Slaves

This is one of several novelizations Hack wrote for the popular “Professor Morlock” horror movie series. It was based on the time Hack got pissed off at a bunch of people he hung around with so he developed a serum to turn them into zombies in his kitchen sink. He tried it on a couple of them while they slept and while it didn’t get the desired effect of turning them into zombies, it did wind up killing them so the problem was taken care of.

Saved By Two Idiots

When his cover artist Jonny M. and his pug Boris saved a beautiful woman from being hit by a car, Hack was furious that she rewarded the pair (Boris with a case of Milk Bone dog biscuits, Jonny with a weekend of intense sex) instead of recognizing them as the idiots he knows them to be. Hack wrote this novel to educate the world about the truth as he sees it regarding the two.