Hack is a close follower of pinko political pundit Lisa Glass’ Twitter feed and wrote this novel in an attempt to suck up to her. It resulted (as such moves always do for Hack) with her issuing a restraining order against him.
The Flame Warrior
The Battle of Yorktown Airport
When the USA’s perennially embarrassing president Donald J. Trump proclaimed on the 4th of July that “our (Revolutionary War) army manned the air, it rammed the ramparts, it took over the airports, it did everything it had to do, and at Fort McHenry, under the rockets’ red glare, it had nothing but victory” Hack knocked out this historical novel about the battle. Every critic who reviewed the book mocked it mercifully for its ridiculous historical inaccuracies but it sold well in Kentucky and Arkansas.
Train of Death
Two dashing soldiers of fortune and a sexy femme fatale try to keep the train that carries Donald J. Trump to his inauguration from reaching its destination. They ultimately fail to achieve their goal but they have a lot of weird sex while they’re giving it a shot.
Larceny at the Louvre
Two world-class art thieves attempt to steal the most famous painting in the world from the Louvre Museum in Paris but spend most of their time having anal sex. The Louvre would later use this novel as part of their training for new security guards.
The Perfect Vacation
When his cover artist Jonny M. went away for a short vacation, Hack was so overcome with jealousy that he hastily wrote this book do that Jonny would be overwhelmed with work the second he got back. Jonny screwed him over by crapping out the cover in half an hour and immediately leaving for a long weekend in Vegas, causing Hack to make another of his many unsuccessful suicide attempts.
The Client was on the Titanic
Hack’s obsession with actress Frances Fisher caused him to watch the film “Titanic” over a hundred times and he became consumed with theory that the door that Rose floated to safety on at the end while Jack froze to death clinging to its side was easily big enough to hold Rose and Jack. While most of Hack’s books top out at about 175-200 pages, this one is over fifteen hundred pages long because it contains Hack’s elaborate theories about why the door couldn’t hold them both.
Jonny of the Mounties
When Hack learned that his celebrity crush Mara Marini (best known for playing porn star Brandi Maxxxx on “Parks & Recreation”) was originally from Canada, he wrote this saga of the Mounties to try and impress her. It failed miserably on that score, largely because Hack seems to be under the impression that Mounties spend all their time rescuing virgins from being tied to railroad tracks and engaging in anal sex.
The Giant Killers
This was Hack’s first attempt at a children’s book. He didn’t understand the format at all and peppered it with scenes of anal sex (the ones with the giant violating the normal-sized women he holds captive are especially disturbing). It was a disaster as a kids’ book but Hustler Magazine named it one of their 10 best novels of the year.
The Rocket’s Red Scare
This is a horror story where a pretty but sadistic blonde who delights in shooting off fireworks on the 4th of July in order to terrorize the animals in the neighborhood. The pets then band together to anally violate her and then feed on her flesh as a warning that anyone who shoots off fireworks without giving a thought that they’re scaring all the animals within hearing distance is a total a-hole.
Harvey: The Feeding
This is the last of Hack’s “Harvey” trilogy in which the ghost of Harvey, the murderous six-foot tall invisible rodent, comes back from the dead in search of human blood and makes Elwood P. Dowd his mind slave. Dowd is placed in an asylum for the criminally insane as Harvey slaughters and then feeds on the population of the small town where Dowd lives until they are the only ones left. Harvey finally comes into the asylum with Dowd thinking that Harvey will free him, but it eats him instead.